I Wish

Whew!  I think I start off every blog post now saying it has been much longer than I intended since the last post.  Ha!  Since my last post, we have added Baby #3 to the family and we are head over heels in love with her.  As it is with any new addition, our family is in transition as we adjust to another little sweetie.  She is absolutely precious, but struggles with severe acid reflux like her older sister.  Her reflux has caused several very scary episodes and because her doctors found some unusual things on an x-ray we are also currently undergoing tests to determine if there are other problems in her belly.  While it is always difficult to transition from 2 to 3 kids, this little lady has been consistent in her life and kept us on our toes, just as she did with her pregnancy.  We have experienced great fear and stress in the (almost) 3 short months that she has been home, but also far more joy than we could have ever imagined!  I tell her every day how incredibly happy I am that she is here.

Also, for the sake of saving all of us some confusion, I'm going to change the kiddos' code names on here.  I don't refer to the kids by name on the blog for safety and privacy reasons, but the nickname "Baby Girl" will become confusing for obvious reasons.  So in order of birth, the kids' new blog names will be:  Little Man, Big Sister, and Little Sister.

I try to keep the focus of this blog on adoption, as that is its intended purpose.  We have almost 2 years of being adoptive parents under our belts and WOW!  It has been quite the journey!  We did hours and hours worth of training before his adoption, but nothing quite matches real life experience.  :)  I'm sure all of my adoptive parent friends are chuckling to themselves at this point!  I think that all of the training in the world can't truly prepare you for parenting a child who has endured so much trauma in the early years.  Even though Little Man turned 3 on our pick up trip, those short, formative years have permanent effects on the developing brain.  Since I don't have any real updates to give on Little Man or spiritual lessons the Lord has taught me specifically regarding adoption, I thought for this post, I would focus on things I wish I had known before adoption, in the hopes that it will help any other families adopting. 

**For clarity, I should explain that I use the word trauma as a blanket term that can include many different things.  The most common things meant when someone uses the words "childhood trauma" are things like: exposure to significant stress and/or damaging substances in utero, experiencing abuse (verbal, physical, sexual, etc.), neglect, abandonment, witnessing abuse, etc.  These things cause permanent physical brain changes, many of which can be seen on various scans, as well as emotional and behavioral problems.**

Here we go:

~  I wish I had known that love doesn't cure everything.  Now I knew this before we adopted, but I didn't really KNOW it.  There is a part of parents that truly believes that food, attention, safety and a lot of love will bring these kiddos from hard places to complete healing.  Now, those things do make a TREMENDOUS difference, but we are learning that complete correction of all the problems that arise from trauma is not likely a reality.   With time, responses to this trauma can lessen, but most of the families I've followed (who are many more years into this journey than we are) seem to agree that these kids will always filter every part of their lives through this trauma.  They can sometimes learn to change their reactions, but it never completely goes away.  For example, Little Man has experienced hunger and starvation.  Because of those effects on his brain, food is a huge issue.  He bounces from using it as a control mechanism and refusing to eat or drink for days, to narrowing in on it so much that he talks about what the next meal is for hours.  We read of an extremely wealthy man who experienced true hunger as a very poor child.  When he grew into a man and became unimaginably wealthy, he still carried a candy bar in his pocket every single day.  The fear of being hungry again was so engrained in his mind, that he carried that candy bar with him so he would always know he had at least one more meal to eat.

~  I wish I had known that attachment is fluid and not set in stone.  Every part of our training focused so much on attachment, we assumed that once he attached to us and we attached to him, everything would be smooth sailing.  Instead, we have found that his attachment to us is not constant.  It waxes and wanes as situations in life change, and also for no reason at all.  It is a constant push-pull in his mind- push my parents away, pull them close.  The focus in training is always on creating an environment that encourages the child to attach to the parent.  I don't remember anything talking about how the parent must attach to the child and that attachment for them is fluid as well.  When your child hits you, screams at you, intentionally vomits on you, or various other things, it can be difficult to remind yourself that it is all coming from trauma and not pure hatred of you, especially when you have done everything in your power for him or her.   (We aren't talking typical childhood tantrums here.)  God gave parents a beautiful biological bond when they have babies.  All of those hormones and biological responses are His blessing so you don't lose your mind when waking up for the 100th time at night with a newborn, picking up a screaming toddler off the floor of a public place, or grounding your teenager for rebellious behavior.  But with adoption, those hormones and biological responses are not there.  You are effectively parenting a complete stranger at first.  Over time your mind begins to change and your feelings follow (for most parents, but this is not always the case).  Even so, for most parents with trauma-affected kids, it remains a very intentional process to maintain that attachment to their child.

~  I wish I had known that people would brush things off as "typical childhood" tantrums and such when you confided in them.  It is extremely hurtful and frustrating.  I liken it to a parent saying their child is deathly allergic to peanuts and someone responds saying, "Oh, I have a picky eater too."  Maddening.  Ha!  I do often ask friends their opinions on developmental things, especially if they have boys, and I greatly appreciate their honest feedback.  If you are about to walk this path of adoption, be prepared to at some point vent to someone who will blow off your concerns.  BUT also give them grace, because it is likely they just don't know what to say.

~  I wish I had known that kids from hard places often don't believe they deserve love or peace, so they create chaos in their new homes in order to maintain that belief.  They often believe they only deserve bad things because that is all the world has handed them, so they intentionally do wrong in order to receive what they think they deserve (ie- punishment).

~  I wish I had known that a traumatized toddler's manipulation skills could easily outwit a top-ranking politician.

~  I wish I had known how I would grieve every time we got a new, unexpected medical diagnosis.  And how I would cycle repeatedly through the stages of grief when we see obvious signs that various emotional and mental delays are likely permanent.

~  I wish I had known how incredibly difficult this is on a biological child who is not quite old enough to completely understand .  And how very sad and proud I would be when he does something inappropriate, and Big Sister responds sadly with, "It's ok.  Brother just doesn't understand."

~  I wish I had known that sensory issues and anxiety are far more crippling than being in a wheelchair.

~  I wish I had known that Little Man's complex worldview would drastically change our lives and how we are able to plan and navigate events as well as daily life.

There are a lot of things I wish I had known that would have better prepared me to be Little Man's mom.  But then again, if I had known just how difficult the last two years would be, I might have been too scared to take the leap into adoption.  All of that being said, there are a lot of really AMAZING things that I wish I had known as well.  I typed out all of the difficult things to offer a real, but very small, picture of what one journey has looked like.  Each family's journey is so different, there is no way to predict how each story will unfold.  But with all my heart, I believe that we cannot truly appreciate the beautiful view at the top of the mountain if we have not experienced the pain of crawling through the valleys first.  Here are some other things that I wish I had known both before the adoption and still have to remind myself of on our really dark days:

~  I wish I had known how desperately I would need Jesus every minute of every day.  It is impossible to parent a child well without Him, but it is absolutely impossible to even survive parenting a trauma baby without Him.  The days and weeks that I attempt to do this on my own are miserable- for everyone.  Not only do I need Him to help me through each day with Little Man and the girls, but this adoption has taught me so much of my own rescue story.  I see very clearly the parallel between Little Man's adoption and daily walk with him and my own salvation and the journey with Jesus in the years since.  It is quite the humbling experience, which I often need more of.

~  I wish I had known how I would sit wide-eyed in wonder when I compare pictures of Little Man in the early days to now.  He has grown and changed so much.  I watched a video just the other day of him in the orphanage and it was amazing to see him not even really be able to sit up.  When we brought him home at 3 years old, he had never taken a single bite of solid food.  When we picked him up, he could say maybe 10 words in his native language, but within a few months, he was speaking an entirely new language at a 3 year old level.  His progress has been absolutely incredible.

~  I wish I had known how much joy would overwhelm me when we could give Little Man new experiences that he never had and would never have if he remained in an orphanage.  The look on his face when he saw bubbles for the first time on our first trip is something I will treasure forever.  When he came home, he not only had a mom and dad for the first time, but he arrived at the airport to an entire extended family and friends who had been praying for him for years.  I'm tearing up now just thinking about how we can even call love and family a new experience.  How tragic that this is a reality for so many!  He came home to a whole room of toys just for him.  Even to this day, he still is overly excited when he sees me pull a new shirt out of his closet and take the tag off.  He can't wrap his mind around it being only for him and not communal property.  He has seen the beach for the first time.  He has petted a dog for the first time, and even has two of his own!  He has experienced complete independence in a wheelchair for the first time.  He has colored and painted.  He has experienced new foods, and the childhood thrill of being covered in a spaghetti dinner.  He has learned new things in homeschool, while in his first country he probably would have been denied any education due to his disabilities.  He has gone from being terrified of cold ice cream to begging for its sweetness at least weekly.  He has changed from screaming in fear of being in a bath tub for the first time, to asking to splash in the bubbles daily.  I could think of a million other things, but we'd be here all day...

~  I wish I had known how my heart would fill when we get rare glimpses of the real boy underneath all of the trauma and defense mechanisms.  To most, he is a very smiley and happy kid, but in reality, most of his smiles and laughs are forced- I'd estimate at least 90% of the time.  The Hubs actually showed me a picture he took of Little Man a few weeks ago and it took my breath away.  I didn't recognize him at first with his simple, genuine expression on his face.  He looked so innocent and unharmed by the world.  I cried.  The picture he took one second later was of Little Man laughing- a cute picture, but a very fake expression and forced laugh.  It was the first time I realized that because of sensory overload, anxiety or whatever the case may be, even his facial expressions rarely relax.  He so wants to protect himself that being happy has become a defense mechanism.  A few weeks ago, we were at parents' night at VBS.  As we observed him from the corner of the room, the Hubs and I both whispered to each other at almost the exact same time, "He's smiling, but he looks like he is about to burst into tears."  It's painful for us to watch him as he struggles to balance his internal feelings and life, and to know that he's so good at hiding his feelings, others can't read him.  However, a few days ago we roasted marshmallows to make smores and as we all sat in a circle and enjoyed the treat, we again whispered to each other, "He looks so content and peaceful."  We cling to those rare minutes that we see him truly peaceful.

~  I wish I had known that Big Sister would change with adoption as well.  She has the ability to be far more compassionate and protective than many adults (even though she is still a child and obviously experiences typical sibling strife).

~  I wish I had known that adoption would give me and the Hubby just one more thing in common.  There is something about struggling together that truly bonds you in ways that good times can't.

~  I wish I had known that when Little Man reaches a milestone, it feels like we have conquered the world!  It took us months and months for him to recognize the letter A consistently, but what a celebration that was when he succeeded!

~  I wish I had known that adoption would make me a completely different person.  I don't recognize the person I was before, and I wouldn't want to be her again. 



I could think of dozens of more things I wish I had known- both good and bad, but in reality, it has taken me two days just to type these out while juggling three small kids!  :)  There have been some very hard days and months since Little Man came home, but there have been some absolutely wonderful ones too.  There is always such a fine line to walk when posting things like this.  I would never ever want to discourage a family from adopting.  There are far too many children in DESPERATE need of families, not to mention the Holy God's command to care for orphans- and I certainly can't argue with that.  But I do want to give a small glimpse into reality, while also protecting Little Man's privacy and dignity.  We are often asked if we would do this again.  And the answer is always YES.  Even on the very worst day, YES.  Little Man is completely our son and God had been preparing us to be his family from the moment it was determined he needed one.  Now, for many months we have said we didn't think we would have the strength to ever do it a second time.  But now that we have had some peaceful days to balance out so many of the difficult, I think we would say that we could do it again in the future.  (Now before my phone starts ringing- No, we do not have any current plans to adopt again.  I am simply saying that if God calls us to it again in the future, we'd at least be obedient enough to hear Him out.)  ;)  We have seen Little Man blossom into a completely different child, and if we had the ability to provide that for another, it seems beyond selfish to not do so.  On the bad days, I hear the gentle whisper, "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends."  And while this is taking the verse out of context, the Father is indeed teaching me how to lay down my life daily so that another might live.