Tomorrow will mark 6 months since Gotcha Day for Little Man! This is the marker I have been waiting for. Half a year. We have survived half a year. Most experts say by six to twelve months home, we should be settling into some kind of "normal." Although, for the life of me, I don't know what normal is anymore.
I haven't posted since Christmastime because, well, life. Christmas was a whirlwind of activity, and honestly it hasn't been until the last two weeks that I've felt that Little Man has completely recovered and adjusted back to "normal." Day to day has begun to have some type of rhythm again, with his outbursts becoming less frequent and less severe. He still has a lot of things he struggles with, but I pray that over time, those will become easier for him as well.
In about 3 weeks, we will be going back to the specialist to pick up new equipment to help him WALK! When we went for his appointment in January, they had some impromptu braces and walker for him to see if he could manage. Since he did so well, they decided he is ready for the real deal in bracing. We had him measured and they should be ready in a few weeks! I know he is so desperately ready for independence, and I am ready for him to have it!
We discovered that his scoliosis is more severe than anyone realized, so he will also have a brace for his back.
As I have been turning this post over in my head for the last few weeks, knowing this 6 month mark is coming, I have been trying to compile all of my thoughts into a nice, neat little post on what I have learned and what adoption really is. But honestly, the last six months have been a roller coaster. We have had some major highs, and some very low lows. In the last month, I think we have finally grasped just how far-reaching institutionalization and adoption are in the heart of a child. We have seen him struggle to process things because his brain has been conditioned to think certain ways. There is a long list of examples, but I'll spare you. It is very difficult and exhausting to try to predict what sensory triggers will send him into panic which will sometimes require days to adjust back to normal, or how his mind will process every day activities. Church nursery is fun for most kids, but to Little Man, that looks an awful lot like we are dropping him off at an orphanage. Most kids love to be swung around in the air, but Little Man is certain we are doing it out of anger and to hurt him. There is so much we have to gradually expose him to, sometimes even nudge him out of his comfort zone a little. We have had to learn what type of discipline will be effective for his tender heart. We have had to push him to be a little more independent, because he would rather live in his little bubble for the rest of his life. There are a lot of little things that are just COMPLETELY different for a child coming from an institution than a child born to you.
There is little in our life that has been the same as 6 months ago. We are different people than we were. We have a different marriage than we did. We are different parents than we were. We love differently. We minister differently. We are different.
Several people have approached me privately to say they are considering or beginning an adoption process. The one thing that I tell them consistently is that they will learn things about the Father that are impossible to learn any other way. I'm sure the same is true for a lot of different paths in life, being married, being a parent, a missionary, a pastor, etc, as well, but it is certainly true for adoption. If you ever want to understand the Gospel, adopt. If you want to see the Father's heart for the nations, adopt. If you want to see how unbelievably loved you are by a relentless Father, adopt.
I understand better now why Christ's coming was such a monumental event. I don't only see Jesus sacrificing Himself, I also see a Father, in agony, waiting to bring His children into His arms. I see now that He thought I was worth pursuing- that I was worth giving everything for. His ransom for me was His own Son. Do you want to feel the depth of that? Here:
Would you give the child in your arms in exchange for a child on the other side of the world?
For a child who doesn't even know what he is missing? Would I have given Baby Girl as the ransom for Little Man? This Father's love is RELENTLESS.
I have decided now that adoption is sanctification. Sanctification is the process of being made holy. It is quite literally sanctification, being that as He makes us His children through adoption, He makes us holy, but also in physical adoption in this world. During that actual adoption process, I was certain that I could not possibly grow any more. He was changing me. He was changing my heart. I could not be stretched any more than that. I would break.
And then Little Man came home.
God clearly thinks I have more changing to do. Frankly, it is the most painful thing I have ever endured. He has brought to my attention the darkest things tucked away in my heart. And now I have to stand face to face with who I actually am. It isn't fun. Honestly, it is embarrassing to see the things I didn't even know were swirling in my own heart. But as I stand ashamed in front of the Holy King, He gently reminds me of the lessons that He just taught me. He knew the depths of my sin. And He came for me anyway. He paid the ransom. For me.
When we picked Little Man up from the orphanage, we weren't allowed to take him away in the clothes he was wearing. We had to give the nanny a new outfit to dress him in before she would bring him to us. I thought it was odd then, but now I see.
I kneel before the Holy King and He casts off my filthy wretchedness and clothes me with mercy and grace. No longer unwanted, now a daughter. Nothing but the memory of my former self can be left.
I have learned that He must break us in order to build us into who He has destined us to be. I have a long way to go in understanding the totality of who He is. I would say that the one thing He has shown me repeatedly in the past two years is His faithfulness. He has proven it to me again and again. And yet, sometimes I still shake with fear at the unknown. As the full extent of Little Man's struggles are revealed to us, I sometimes want to crumble. Struggles that only we see. The hubs and I sit at night sometimes and talk about what the future will look like for our family. As we kneel in the trenches of this adoption and parenthood, sometimes we can't see past next week. How can I possibly parent a child who needs so much? Do I even have enough to give him? What about everything we have planned? Will the lives we envisioned ever even be possible?
I told Hubby one time that I feel like I did once at the beach as a little girl. Playing in the shallow water, I was knocked down by a wave. Close to the shore, the waves come so quickly and powerfully, that sometimes when you are down, before you can even stand up, you are tumbling again. I can remember rolling around, flashes of light from the sun just above the water, darkness of the sand beneath, and salty water stinging my eyes. I couldn't tell which way was up and which way was down. The whole episode may have lasted all of 5 seconds, and I seriously doubt I was ever actually in danger, but it was panic enough to leave the memory of it. Some days I feel that same way. I feel like every time I am getting my footing, another wave comes from out of nowhere and I'm tumbling around wondering if God will ever bring us to steady waters.
I heard a song on the radio a few weeks ago, and the first few times it played, I didn't really like it. But as I have heard it more and more, it has begun to really resonate with me.
You Make Me Brave by Bethel https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NGvqcjIZKTA
As Your love, in wave after wave
Crashes over me, crashes over me
For You are for us
You are not against us
Champion of Heaven
You made a way for all to enter in
God has shown me that His love and faithfulness are more constant than the waves. The waves come, but His faithfulness is our rock on which to stand.
As I look to the future, a lot of times the overwhelming feeling I have is fear. There are so many unknowns. But He has been so faithful to remind me that He is the same Father King who invites me to sit in His lap as He commands the winds and the waves from His throne. How could I feel anything but courage knowing the One who paid my ransom is the same one that causes men to look around and say, "Who can this be? Even the winds and the waves obey Him!"
For those who know me well, you know that I am a very timid person by nature. I can force myself outside of my comfort zone, but naturally, I want to mostly stay curled into myself. As I stand on this shore and see the waves rolling in, I want to panic. I know they can knock me down. What if we drown?
You make me brave
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the love that made a way
His love has already made a way. He has already made a future for Little Man, for us. No fear can hinder now that His love has made a way.
