It is almost time to celebrate some of our favorite holidays, so I figured it was time to post an update! The longer we are home, the less details I feel comfortable sharing, so the blog has obviously suffered, but I do still desire to keep posting. :)
Things have been rolling along here. We are several months into our school year, the baby is eager to start crawling (we are even more eager for her to sleep through the night! Ha!), and we are looking forward to some of our favorite foods at holiday dinners! Yum!
Little Man has been doing fairly well over the last few months. He has adjusted well to having a baby in the house and is working hard on his schooling. His favorite foods are still pizza, salsa, and macaroni. In fact, if he could eat those three things for every meal for the rest of his life, I don't think I'd ever hear a peep out of him! He also loves his toy cars and watching movies. Little Sister is probably more amused by him than anyone else in the house. He can get her laughing in no time and he loves to tell me he is babysitting her for me. If you've ever spent time with the two of them together, you know he isn't satisfied unless he is stroking her arm or hugging her. He loves his baby!
Now that we have been home almost two and a half years (can you believe that?!), I feel like we have finally settled into a good routine. If you had told me three years ago that it would take this long for us to figure each other out, I would have balked at you. "Surely we have loved him and fought for him this long, we will go through a transition period and then all will be well!" Oh how I laugh at my pre-adoption self. I could never have imagined how deep the veins of trauma run or how fear courses through his body, triggered by the smallest incidents. One of the things that is so interesting for me is to see how others perceive his behavior and emotional state. The hubs and I can look at him and almost see a checklist of how he is processing things, knowing he is swimming in fear or anxiety, while someone else can say, "Oh look how happy he is right now!" I'm sure all parents can do this with their children, as we can also do the same for Big and Little Sister (ever look at your kid and just KNOW a meltdown/joy/sadness/etc. is coming?), but it is far more noticeable in our minds with him because his outward expression is often the exact opposite of his internal state. While our friends know how to best relate to him, strangers and acquaintances often unknowingly send him into a spiral, asking for hugs and saying he's so cute they'd like to "take him home", and a host of other interactions with typical families that now cause me to inwardly cringe.
We have learned how to navigate his triggers (when we can predict them) and handle the fallout afterward. Another thing that has been different from my pre-adoption mindset is how long trauma lasts in the heart of a young child. All the experts warned us that early childhood trauma has long lasting, and many times permanent, effects on a child, but seeing it played out is far different then reading it in a book. For example, we know holidays (and any family gathering, no matter how short) are a HUGE trigger for him. Because the winter holidays fall so close together each year, he doesn't have time to recover between each one before the next begins. It typically takes us into February before we can get him regulated back into a consistent emotional state.
Physically, he is doing well. He has not grown much, but he has not lost any weight either- we are happy about that! Actually, in recent weeks, he tested positive for an infection that he has had since his time in the orphanage, so we are currently treating that. We are hopeful that once that is taken care of, he will be able to eat and grow more easily. He primarily uses his wheelchair, although he does ask to walk occasionally. When we first came home we pushed and pushed for him to walk, and now we realize that a wheelchair gives him more freedom and mobility than walking ever will. Human nature drives our desire for him to walk, I think, but we have seen and accepted that his wheelchair is a much better option for him 99% of the time. He is faster, it doesn't cause him pain, and it is MUCH easier for him. Now, we celebrate that he is MOBILE, because three years ago that was not going to be his future, and now he can get around almost anywhere he wants. His legs are becoming tighter, although without the ability to do a MRI, we are unable to know if that is a result of a tethered cord. That tightness causes him pain when he wears his braces to walk and also when wearing his sleeping braces, so it is somewhat of a cycle- it hurts, so he doesn't want to use them, which causes the tightness to continue, which makes it hurt to use his equipment.
One thing that has been very sobering for me this fall, is thinking that he would have been transferred by now. He wouldn't be in an orphanage, but rather an adult mental institution where he would have lived out his days strapped to a crib. Most kids don't survive their first year after a transfer. His life is so different now, not only compared to what his life was in the orphanage, but especially compared to what was coming with a transfer to an institution. When we brought him home, he could only speak about 5-10 simple words in his native language. Now, he is able to speak full sentences and carry on simple conversations. School would have not been an option for him there, but now, he can identify some letters and sounds, count, write, color, sing songs, listen to stories, and all kinds of other things that we really take for granted daily. Instead of spending the rest of his days forgotten in a room somewhere, he gets to play outside on the trampoline with his sister, go to birthday parties, open Christmas presents, make friends, and tell us knock-knock jokes. When we left the orphanage, we had to provide an outfit for them to change him into, because he didn't even own the clothes on his back. Now, there are more of his clothes and toys strewn all over his house than we can keep up with! Sometimes when I'm stressed out at the condition of the playroom, I chuckle at what an enormous blessing this mess actually is. Perspective, people, perspective. We are always swamped with doctors appointments and surprise medical changes, but goodness! He has PARENTS to drive him to loving doctors and therapists who dote on him, instead of being dropped off at a hospital all alone for necessary procedures. This year, he actually sat down with me and helped write a Christmas wish list. This is the same boy who for months would not even tell us if he was hungry or thirsty, because in the orphanage, those needs are not met, unless it is designated meal time. I teared up the first time he ever asked for a drink! The contrast of his life now to what was before often takes my breath away. I hope I never lose that wonder.
This holiday season, I implore you to make a difference in the life of a child. I'm not saying that everyone is called to adopt, but there are hundreds of ways that YOU can make a real difference. When you drop off coats and gloves at the homeless shelter, remember that there may be kids in that difficult situation- pack a toy too. Set your Amazon account to donate to Reece's Rainbow. Sponsor your local crisis pregnancy center. Donate to a random family's account at a reputable adoption agency. Offer to babysit for a foster family so mom and dad can take a short break. Bring some crayons and coloring books to a children's hospital. Take a soon-to-be adoptive mom out for coffee and listen as she describes her anguish in waiting for her child. Slip some cash under the door of a single mom, or better yet, hand her the cash and offer to babysit while she takes care of some Christmas shopping. And of course, I can't close without asking that you pray. Pray for the children around the world who need families. Pray that moms and dads would rise up and welcome them home. Pray specifically about what God would have you do in regards to the orphan crisis- donate, support, pray, adopt. Is it possible that YOUR child is lying in a crib somewhere and you don't yet know he or she exists? How will we know if we do not ask the One who sees them? May we all find a way this Christmas to show a child the love of a Father. After all, every child has a dream to belong and be loved.
Tuesday, November 22, 2016
Saturday, July 16, 2016
I Wish
Whew! I think I start off every blog post now saying it has been much longer than I intended since the last post. Ha! Since my last post, we have added Baby #3 to the family and we are head over heels in love with her. As it is with any new addition, our family is in transition as we adjust to another little sweetie. She is absolutely precious, but struggles with severe acid reflux like her older sister. Her reflux has caused several very scary episodes and because her doctors found some unusual things on an x-ray we are also currently undergoing tests to determine if there are other problems in her belly. While it is always difficult to transition from 2 to 3 kids, this little lady has been consistent in her life and kept us on our toes, just as she did with her pregnancy. We have experienced great fear and stress in the (almost) 3 short months that she has been home, but also far more joy than we could have ever imagined! I tell her every day how incredibly happy I am that she is here.
Also, for the sake of saving all of us some confusion, I'm going to change the kiddos' code names on here. I don't refer to the kids by name on the blog for safety and privacy reasons, but the nickname "Baby Girl" will become confusing for obvious reasons. So in order of birth, the kids' new blog names will be: Little Man, Big Sister, and Little Sister.
I try to keep the focus of this blog on adoption, as that is its intended purpose. We have almost 2 years of being adoptive parents under our belts and WOW! It has been quite the journey! We did hours and hours worth of training before his adoption, but nothing quite matches real life experience. :) I'm sure all of my adoptive parent friends are chuckling to themselves at this point! I think that all of the training in the world can't truly prepare you for parenting a child who has endured so much trauma in the early years. Even though Little Man turned 3 on our pick up trip, those short, formative years have permanent effects on the developing brain. Since I don't have any real updates to give on Little Man or spiritual lessons the Lord has taught me specifically regarding adoption, I thought for this post, I would focus on things I wish I had known before adoption, in the hopes that it will help any other families adopting.
**For clarity, I should explain that I use the word trauma as a blanket term that can include many different things. The most common things meant when someone uses the words "childhood trauma" are things like: exposure to significant stress and/or damaging substances in utero, experiencing abuse (verbal, physical, sexual, etc.), neglect, abandonment, witnessing abuse, etc. These things cause permanent physical brain changes, many of which can be seen on various scans, as well as emotional and behavioral problems.**
Here we go:
~ I wish I had known that love doesn't cure everything. Now I knew this before we adopted, but I didn't really KNOW it. There is a part of parents that truly believes that food, attention, safety and a lot of love will bring these kiddos from hard places to complete healing. Now, those things do make a TREMENDOUS difference, but we are learning that complete correction of all the problems that arise from trauma is not likely a reality. With time, responses to this trauma can lessen, but most of the families I've followed (who are many more years into this journey than we are) seem to agree that these kids will always filter every part of their lives through this trauma. They can sometimes learn to change their reactions, but it never completely goes away. For example, Little Man has experienced hunger and starvation. Because of those effects on his brain, food is a huge issue. He bounces from using it as a control mechanism and refusing to eat or drink for days, to narrowing in on it so much that he talks about what the next meal is for hours. We read of an extremely wealthy man who experienced true hunger as a very poor child. When he grew into a man and became unimaginably wealthy, he still carried a candy bar in his pocket every single day. The fear of being hungry again was so engrained in his mind, that he carried that candy bar with him so he would always know he had at least one more meal to eat.
~ I wish I had known that attachment is fluid and not set in stone. Every part of our training focused so much on attachment, we assumed that once he attached to us and we attached to him, everything would be smooth sailing. Instead, we have found that his attachment to us is not constant. It waxes and wanes as situations in life change, and also for no reason at all. It is a constant push-pull in his mind- push my parents away, pull them close. The focus in training is always on creating an environment that encourages the child to attach to the parent. I don't remember anything talking about how the parent must attach to the child and that attachment for them is fluid as well. When your child hits you, screams at you, intentionally vomits on you, or various other things, it can be difficult to remind yourself that it is all coming from trauma and not pure hatred of you, especially when you have done everything in your power for him or her. (We aren't talking typical childhood tantrums here.) God gave parents a beautiful biological bond when they have babies. All of those hormones and biological responses are His blessing so you don't lose your mind when waking up for the 100th time at night with a newborn, picking up a screaming toddler off the floor of a public place, or grounding your teenager for rebellious behavior. But with adoption, those hormones and biological responses are not there. You are effectively parenting a complete stranger at first. Over time your mind begins to change and your feelings follow (for most parents, but this is not always the case). Even so, for most parents with trauma-affected kids, it remains a very intentional process to maintain that attachment to their child.
~ I wish I had known that people would brush things off as "typical childhood" tantrums and such when you confided in them. It is extremely hurtful and frustrating. I liken it to a parent saying their child is deathly allergic to peanuts and someone responds saying, "Oh, I have a picky eater too." Maddening. Ha! I do often ask friends their opinions on developmental things, especially if they have boys, and I greatly appreciate their honest feedback. If you are about to walk this path of adoption, be prepared to at some point vent to someone who will blow off your concerns. BUT also give them grace, because it is likely they just don't know what to say.
~ I wish I had known that kids from hard places often don't believe they deserve love or peace, so they create chaos in their new homes in order to maintain that belief. They often believe they only deserve bad things because that is all the world has handed them, so they intentionally do wrong in order to receive what they think they deserve (ie- punishment).
~ I wish I had known that a traumatized toddler's manipulation skills could easily outwit a top-ranking politician.
~ I wish I had known how I would grieve every time we got a new, unexpected medical diagnosis. And how I would cycle repeatedly through the stages of grief when we see obvious signs that various emotional and mental delays are likely permanent.
~ I wish I had known how incredibly difficult this is on a biological child who is not quite old enough to completely understand . And how very sad and proud I would be when he does something inappropriate, and Big Sister responds sadly with, "It's ok. Brother just doesn't understand."
~ I wish I had known that sensory issues and anxiety are far more crippling than being in a wheelchair.
~ I wish I had known that Little Man's complex worldview would drastically change our lives and how we are able to plan and navigate events as well as daily life.
There are a lot of things I wish I had known that would have better prepared me to be Little Man's mom. But then again, if I had known just how difficult the last two years would be, I might have been too scared to take the leap into adoption. All of that being said, there are a lot of really AMAZING things that I wish I had known as well. I typed out all of the difficult things to offer a real, but very small, picture of what one journey has looked like. Each family's journey is so different, there is no way to predict how each story will unfold. But with all my heart, I believe that we cannot truly appreciate the beautiful view at the top of the mountain if we have not experienced the pain of crawling through the valleys first. Here are some other things that I wish I had known both before the adoption and still have to remind myself of on our really dark days:
~ I wish I had known how desperately I would need Jesus every minute of every day. It is impossible to parent a child well without Him, but it is absolutely impossible to even survive parenting a trauma baby without Him. The days and weeks that I attempt to do this on my own are miserable- for everyone. Not only do I need Him to help me through each day with Little Man and the girls, but this adoption has taught me so much of my own rescue story. I see very clearly the parallel between Little Man's adoption and daily walk with him and my own salvation and the journey with Jesus in the years since. It is quite the humbling experience, which I often need more of.
~ I wish I had known how I would sit wide-eyed in wonder when I compare pictures of Little Man in the early days to now. He has grown and changed so much. I watched a video just the other day of him in the orphanage and it was amazing to see him not even really be able to sit up. When we brought him home at 3 years old, he had never taken a single bite of solid food. When we picked him up, he could say maybe 10 words in his native language, but within a few months, he was speaking an entirely new language at a 3 year old level. His progress has been absolutely incredible.
~ I wish I had known how much joy would overwhelm me when we could give Little Man new experiences that he never had and would never have if he remained in an orphanage. The look on his face when he saw bubbles for the first time on our first trip is something I will treasure forever. When he came home, he not only had a mom and dad for the first time, but he arrived at the airport to an entire extended family and friends who had been praying for him for years. I'm tearing up now just thinking about how we can even call love and family a new experience. How tragic that this is a reality for so many! He came home to a whole room of toys just for him. Even to this day, he still is overly excited when he sees me pull a new shirt out of his closet and take the tag off. He can't wrap his mind around it being only for him and not communal property. He has seen the beach for the first time. He has petted a dog for the first time, and even has two of his own! He has experienced complete independence in a wheelchair for the first time. He has colored and painted. He has experienced new foods, and the childhood thrill of being covered in a spaghetti dinner. He has learned new things in homeschool, while in his first country he probably would have been denied any education due to his disabilities. He has gone from being terrified of cold ice cream to begging for its sweetness at least weekly. He has changed from screaming in fear of being in a bath tub for the first time, to asking to splash in the bubbles daily. I could think of a million other things, but we'd be here all day...
~ I wish I had known how my heart would fill when we get rare glimpses of the real boy underneath all of the trauma and defense mechanisms. To most, he is a very smiley and happy kid, but in reality, most of his smiles and laughs are forced- I'd estimate at least 90% of the time. The Hubs actually showed me a picture he took of Little Man a few weeks ago and it took my breath away. I didn't recognize him at first with his simple, genuine expression on his face. He looked so innocent and unharmed by the world. I cried. The picture he took one second later was of Little Man laughing- a cute picture, but a very fake expression and forced laugh. It was the first time I realized that because of sensory overload, anxiety or whatever the case may be, even his facial expressions rarely relax. He so wants to protect himself that being happy has become a defense mechanism. A few weeks ago, we were at parents' night at VBS. As we observed him from the corner of the room, the Hubs and I both whispered to each other at almost the exact same time, "He's smiling, but he looks like he is about to burst into tears." It's painful for us to watch him as he struggles to balance his internal feelings and life, and to know that he's so good at hiding his feelings, others can't read him. However, a few days ago we roasted marshmallows to make smores and as we all sat in a circle and enjoyed the treat, we again whispered to each other, "He looks so content and peaceful." We cling to those rare minutes that we see him truly peaceful.
~ I wish I had known that Big Sister would change with adoption as well. She has the ability to be far more compassionate and protective than many adults (even though she is still a child and obviously experiences typical sibling strife).
~ I wish I had known that adoption would give me and the Hubby just one more thing in common. There is something about struggling together that truly bonds you in ways that good times can't.
~ I wish I had known that when Little Man reaches a milestone, it feels like we have conquered the world! It took us months and months for him to recognize the letter A consistently, but what a celebration that was when he succeeded!
~ I wish I had known that adoption would make me a completely different person. I don't recognize the person I was before, and I wouldn't want to be her again.
I could think of dozens of more things I wish I had known- both good and bad, but in reality, it has taken me two days just to type these out while juggling three small kids! :) There have been some very hard days and months since Little Man came home, but there have been some absolutely wonderful ones too. There is always such a fine line to walk when posting things like this. I would never ever want to discourage a family from adopting. There are far too many children in DESPERATE need of families, not to mention the Holy God's command to care for orphans- and I certainly can't argue with that. But I do want to give a small glimpse into reality, while also protecting Little Man's privacy and dignity. We are often asked if we would do this again. And the answer is always YES. Even on the very worst day, YES. Little Man is completely our son and God had been preparing us to be his family from the moment it was determined he needed one. Now, for many months we have said we didn't think we would have the strength to ever do it a second time. But now that we have had some peaceful days to balance out so many of the difficult, I think we would say that we could do it again in the future. (Now before my phone starts ringing- No, we do not have any current plans to adopt again. I am simply saying that if God calls us to it again in the future, we'd at least be obedient enough to hear Him out.) ;) We have seen Little Man blossom into a completely different child, and if we had the ability to provide that for another, it seems beyond selfish to not do so. On the bad days, I hear the gentle whisper, "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." And while this is taking the verse out of context, the Father is indeed teaching me how to lay down my life daily so that another might live.
Also, for the sake of saving all of us some confusion, I'm going to change the kiddos' code names on here. I don't refer to the kids by name on the blog for safety and privacy reasons, but the nickname "Baby Girl" will become confusing for obvious reasons. So in order of birth, the kids' new blog names will be: Little Man, Big Sister, and Little Sister.
I try to keep the focus of this blog on adoption, as that is its intended purpose. We have almost 2 years of being adoptive parents under our belts and WOW! It has been quite the journey! We did hours and hours worth of training before his adoption, but nothing quite matches real life experience. :) I'm sure all of my adoptive parent friends are chuckling to themselves at this point! I think that all of the training in the world can't truly prepare you for parenting a child who has endured so much trauma in the early years. Even though Little Man turned 3 on our pick up trip, those short, formative years have permanent effects on the developing brain. Since I don't have any real updates to give on Little Man or spiritual lessons the Lord has taught me specifically regarding adoption, I thought for this post, I would focus on things I wish I had known before adoption, in the hopes that it will help any other families adopting.
**For clarity, I should explain that I use the word trauma as a blanket term that can include many different things. The most common things meant when someone uses the words "childhood trauma" are things like: exposure to significant stress and/or damaging substances in utero, experiencing abuse (verbal, physical, sexual, etc.), neglect, abandonment, witnessing abuse, etc. These things cause permanent physical brain changes, many of which can be seen on various scans, as well as emotional and behavioral problems.**
Here we go:
~ I wish I had known that love doesn't cure everything. Now I knew this before we adopted, but I didn't really KNOW it. There is a part of parents that truly believes that food, attention, safety and a lot of love will bring these kiddos from hard places to complete healing. Now, those things do make a TREMENDOUS difference, but we are learning that complete correction of all the problems that arise from trauma is not likely a reality. With time, responses to this trauma can lessen, but most of the families I've followed (who are many more years into this journey than we are) seem to agree that these kids will always filter every part of their lives through this trauma. They can sometimes learn to change their reactions, but it never completely goes away. For example, Little Man has experienced hunger and starvation. Because of those effects on his brain, food is a huge issue. He bounces from using it as a control mechanism and refusing to eat or drink for days, to narrowing in on it so much that he talks about what the next meal is for hours. We read of an extremely wealthy man who experienced true hunger as a very poor child. When he grew into a man and became unimaginably wealthy, he still carried a candy bar in his pocket every single day. The fear of being hungry again was so engrained in his mind, that he carried that candy bar with him so he would always know he had at least one more meal to eat.
~ I wish I had known that attachment is fluid and not set in stone. Every part of our training focused so much on attachment, we assumed that once he attached to us and we attached to him, everything would be smooth sailing. Instead, we have found that his attachment to us is not constant. It waxes and wanes as situations in life change, and also for no reason at all. It is a constant push-pull in his mind- push my parents away, pull them close. The focus in training is always on creating an environment that encourages the child to attach to the parent. I don't remember anything talking about how the parent must attach to the child and that attachment for them is fluid as well. When your child hits you, screams at you, intentionally vomits on you, or various other things, it can be difficult to remind yourself that it is all coming from trauma and not pure hatred of you, especially when you have done everything in your power for him or her. (We aren't talking typical childhood tantrums here.) God gave parents a beautiful biological bond when they have babies. All of those hormones and biological responses are His blessing so you don't lose your mind when waking up for the 100th time at night with a newborn, picking up a screaming toddler off the floor of a public place, or grounding your teenager for rebellious behavior. But with adoption, those hormones and biological responses are not there. You are effectively parenting a complete stranger at first. Over time your mind begins to change and your feelings follow (for most parents, but this is not always the case). Even so, for most parents with trauma-affected kids, it remains a very intentional process to maintain that attachment to their child.
~ I wish I had known that people would brush things off as "typical childhood" tantrums and such when you confided in them. It is extremely hurtful and frustrating. I liken it to a parent saying their child is deathly allergic to peanuts and someone responds saying, "Oh, I have a picky eater too." Maddening. Ha! I do often ask friends their opinions on developmental things, especially if they have boys, and I greatly appreciate their honest feedback. If you are about to walk this path of adoption, be prepared to at some point vent to someone who will blow off your concerns. BUT also give them grace, because it is likely they just don't know what to say.
~ I wish I had known that kids from hard places often don't believe they deserve love or peace, so they create chaos in their new homes in order to maintain that belief. They often believe they only deserve bad things because that is all the world has handed them, so they intentionally do wrong in order to receive what they think they deserve (ie- punishment).
~ I wish I had known that a traumatized toddler's manipulation skills could easily outwit a top-ranking politician.
~ I wish I had known how I would grieve every time we got a new, unexpected medical diagnosis. And how I would cycle repeatedly through the stages of grief when we see obvious signs that various emotional and mental delays are likely permanent.
~ I wish I had known how incredibly difficult this is on a biological child who is not quite old enough to completely understand . And how very sad and proud I would be when he does something inappropriate, and Big Sister responds sadly with, "It's ok. Brother just doesn't understand."
~ I wish I had known that sensory issues and anxiety are far more crippling than being in a wheelchair.
~ I wish I had known that Little Man's complex worldview would drastically change our lives and how we are able to plan and navigate events as well as daily life.
There are a lot of things I wish I had known that would have better prepared me to be Little Man's mom. But then again, if I had known just how difficult the last two years would be, I might have been too scared to take the leap into adoption. All of that being said, there are a lot of really AMAZING things that I wish I had known as well. I typed out all of the difficult things to offer a real, but very small, picture of what one journey has looked like. Each family's journey is so different, there is no way to predict how each story will unfold. But with all my heart, I believe that we cannot truly appreciate the beautiful view at the top of the mountain if we have not experienced the pain of crawling through the valleys first. Here are some other things that I wish I had known both before the adoption and still have to remind myself of on our really dark days:
~ I wish I had known how desperately I would need Jesus every minute of every day. It is impossible to parent a child well without Him, but it is absolutely impossible to even survive parenting a trauma baby without Him. The days and weeks that I attempt to do this on my own are miserable- for everyone. Not only do I need Him to help me through each day with Little Man and the girls, but this adoption has taught me so much of my own rescue story. I see very clearly the parallel between Little Man's adoption and daily walk with him and my own salvation and the journey with Jesus in the years since. It is quite the humbling experience, which I often need more of.
~ I wish I had known how I would sit wide-eyed in wonder when I compare pictures of Little Man in the early days to now. He has grown and changed so much. I watched a video just the other day of him in the orphanage and it was amazing to see him not even really be able to sit up. When we brought him home at 3 years old, he had never taken a single bite of solid food. When we picked him up, he could say maybe 10 words in his native language, but within a few months, he was speaking an entirely new language at a 3 year old level. His progress has been absolutely incredible.
~ I wish I had known how much joy would overwhelm me when we could give Little Man new experiences that he never had and would never have if he remained in an orphanage. The look on his face when he saw bubbles for the first time on our first trip is something I will treasure forever. When he came home, he not only had a mom and dad for the first time, but he arrived at the airport to an entire extended family and friends who had been praying for him for years. I'm tearing up now just thinking about how we can even call love and family a new experience. How tragic that this is a reality for so many! He came home to a whole room of toys just for him. Even to this day, he still is overly excited when he sees me pull a new shirt out of his closet and take the tag off. He can't wrap his mind around it being only for him and not communal property. He has seen the beach for the first time. He has petted a dog for the first time, and even has two of his own! He has experienced complete independence in a wheelchair for the first time. He has colored and painted. He has experienced new foods, and the childhood thrill of being covered in a spaghetti dinner. He has learned new things in homeschool, while in his first country he probably would have been denied any education due to his disabilities. He has gone from being terrified of cold ice cream to begging for its sweetness at least weekly. He has changed from screaming in fear of being in a bath tub for the first time, to asking to splash in the bubbles daily. I could think of a million other things, but we'd be here all day...
~ I wish I had known how my heart would fill when we get rare glimpses of the real boy underneath all of the trauma and defense mechanisms. To most, he is a very smiley and happy kid, but in reality, most of his smiles and laughs are forced- I'd estimate at least 90% of the time. The Hubs actually showed me a picture he took of Little Man a few weeks ago and it took my breath away. I didn't recognize him at first with his simple, genuine expression on his face. He looked so innocent and unharmed by the world. I cried. The picture he took one second later was of Little Man laughing- a cute picture, but a very fake expression and forced laugh. It was the first time I realized that because of sensory overload, anxiety or whatever the case may be, even his facial expressions rarely relax. He so wants to protect himself that being happy has become a defense mechanism. A few weeks ago, we were at parents' night at VBS. As we observed him from the corner of the room, the Hubs and I both whispered to each other at almost the exact same time, "He's smiling, but he looks like he is about to burst into tears." It's painful for us to watch him as he struggles to balance his internal feelings and life, and to know that he's so good at hiding his feelings, others can't read him. However, a few days ago we roasted marshmallows to make smores and as we all sat in a circle and enjoyed the treat, we again whispered to each other, "He looks so content and peaceful." We cling to those rare minutes that we see him truly peaceful.
~ I wish I had known that Big Sister would change with adoption as well. She has the ability to be far more compassionate and protective than many adults (even though she is still a child and obviously experiences typical sibling strife).
~ I wish I had known that adoption would give me and the Hubby just one more thing in common. There is something about struggling together that truly bonds you in ways that good times can't.
~ I wish I had known that when Little Man reaches a milestone, it feels like we have conquered the world! It took us months and months for him to recognize the letter A consistently, but what a celebration that was when he succeeded!
~ I wish I had known that adoption would make me a completely different person. I don't recognize the person I was before, and I wouldn't want to be her again.
I could think of dozens of more things I wish I had known- both good and bad, but in reality, it has taken me two days just to type these out while juggling three small kids! :) There have been some very hard days and months since Little Man came home, but there have been some absolutely wonderful ones too. There is always such a fine line to walk when posting things like this. I would never ever want to discourage a family from adopting. There are far too many children in DESPERATE need of families, not to mention the Holy God's command to care for orphans- and I certainly can't argue with that. But I do want to give a small glimpse into reality, while also protecting Little Man's privacy and dignity. We are often asked if we would do this again. And the answer is always YES. Even on the very worst day, YES. Little Man is completely our son and God had been preparing us to be his family from the moment it was determined he needed one. Now, for many months we have said we didn't think we would have the strength to ever do it a second time. But now that we have had some peaceful days to balance out so many of the difficult, I think we would say that we could do it again in the future. (Now before my phone starts ringing- No, we do not have any current plans to adopt again. I am simply saying that if God calls us to it again in the future, we'd at least be obedient enough to hear Him out.) ;) We have seen Little Man blossom into a completely different child, and if we had the ability to provide that for another, it seems beyond selfish to not do so. On the bad days, I hear the gentle whisper, "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." And while this is taking the verse out of context, the Father is indeed teaching me how to lay down my life daily so that another might live.
Thursday, March 24, 2016
The Walk Through Holy Week
Wow! It has certainly been a long time since I last posted. Things have been quite insane around here. In fact, I would probably say this has been the most complicated time of our married lives thus far. We have been challenged with months of me on bed rest, multiple medical complications, severe emotional struggles with Little Man, and significant stress in many other areas. BUT I am so incredibly grateful when I look over and see the man still holding my hand as we have navigated this difficult time together. God certainly knew what we would both need in a spouse when these tidal waves crash. I have said ever since I met him, that the Hubs shows me more of who Jesus is than anyone else. I am grateful for the man he is. Over the last months, God has also taught me the importance of having a foundation in Him, so that when the waves come over your head, repeatedly, you can feel the security of the Rock underneath you, despite your flailing arms and filling lungs.
This pregnancy has not been anything like we had expected, or hoped it to be. I've been on some form of bed rest for the majority of the last 8 months, with more complications than I can remember. When I was first taken off my feet, I thought this would be a great season of reading and writing, two of my favorite things, but instead I have found my mind to be so cloudy, I can barely focus long enough to do either. I'm sure this is a result of pregnancy hormones, the effects of a heart not pumping correctly, and various medications that have kept this Baby inside. I have tried to sit down and update the blog multiple times over the last few months, but nothing seemed to flow.
Little Man has struggled significantly over the last few months. We knew the holiday season would be extremely stressful for him. Last year he wasn't able to calm down from the holidays until about February. This year, we survived the holiday hustle and bustle, only for me to immediately be put on strict bed rest and start needing help with the kids. We had some amazing friends rally around us and help take care of everything, but unfortunately, Little Man just can't handle any change in schedule or people he sees regularly, so he spiraled downhill emotionally and behaviorally fairly quickly. In the past week we have just started to see him eat semi-regularly again. His past trauma and current anxiety touches every aspect of his life so I won't go into all of the details because it is simply too much to list, but we are extremely grateful to finally see some progress after many hard months. We had to reduce his schedule to almost nothing, with very few variables (doctor appointments, visits with friends, church activities, etc.), but it has made a tremendous difference. We have slowly been able to introduce small things again, but are fully prepared to go back to full-blown cocooning after the baby is born.
During this time of difficulties, God has repeatedly brought to mind a specific story. The little I have been able to focus enough to read over the last few months has been significantly centered around Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob and their wives. One very tiny story in these chapters has been enough for me to ponder over several months, and has brought significant peace to my weary soul. You see, this baby wiggling around in my womb is in many ways the fulfillment of a special promise to me. This child has been the answer to very unique prayers that were offered before conception (not simply prayers to have another baby). That positive pregnancy test was confirmation about many things the Lord had been speaking to my heart about.
Genesis 15:
9 So the Lord said to him, “Bring me a heifer, a goat and a ram, each three years old, along with a dove and a young pigeon.”
10 Abram brought all these to him, cut them in two and arranged the halves opposite each other; the birds, however, he did not cut in half. 11 Then birds of prey came down on the carcasses, but Abram drove them away.
12 As the sun was setting, Abram fell into a deep sleep, and a thick and dreadful darkness came over him. 13 Then the Lord said to him, “Know for certain that for four hundred years your descendants will be strangers in a country not their own and that they will be enslaved and mistreated there. 14 But I will punish the nation they serve as slaves, and afterward they will come out with great possessions. 15 You, however, will go to your ancestors in peace and be buried at a good old age. 16 In the fourth generation your descendants will come back here, for the sin of the Amorites has not yet reached its full measure.”
17 When the sun had set and darkness had fallen, a smoking firepot with a blazing torch appeared and passed between the pieces. 18 On that day the Lord made a covenant with Abram...
Basically what has happened is this: God has just promised an heir to Abraham that will come from his own body (not Eliezer of his household as he had previously planned upon not having children). Abraham believes Him and it is "credited to him as righteousness." From here, God requires a covenant, so Abraham gathers up the animals and prepares them. Imagine now what that would have been like. God has made this beautiful and specific promise to Abraham, and now he spends the whole day on cloud nine preparing his act of worship before this mighty Elohim Creator God who as Jehovah also desires this deep, fulfilling personal relationship with him. So Abraham is thrilled with this promise of a positive pregnancy test, if you will. He sets up the sacrifice in a way that symbolizes a serious covenant. Many times in those days, if men were to enter into a solemn agreement with one another, animals would be cut in half and separated. The men would then walk through the carcasses in agreement- the halved bodies a solemn reminder of the seriousness of breaking this covenant. Abraham waits to for God to appear, but he suddenly falls into "a deep sleep, and a thick and dreadful darkness came over him." He is to some degree unconscious or at the very least not himself, and now trapped in horrific darkness, only to be told devastating news by Yahweh. These very descendants he has been promised will suffer a terrible fate- 400 years of slavery in a foreign country. The only silver lining is that they will return to this land of inheritance and with many possessions.
Now after hearing this dreadful news, a smoking firepot with a blazing torch, signifying God's holiness, righteousness, and judgment, appear and pass between the carcasses. Abraham is just a witness to this event. Instead of partaking in this covenant, God "signed on the dotted line" alone. He proves to Abraham in this moment that he is not needed to fulfill God's promise. The Father is His own oath. What an amazing realization! We see here God's ultimate power in mastering the present and the future. We humans are simply not needed to fulfill anything He has promised to accomplish. In seeing this, just as Abraham did, we realize that He alone is worthy of all the praise due His Name.
Throughout this pregnancy, the Father has brought this story to mind many, many times. Each time we have come close to losing the baby, or delivering significantly early, even in the stress, there has been the quiet whisper in my heart that everything will be ok, regardless of what happens in this pregnancy, birth, and life of this child. Not because of anything that I or my doctor can do, but because He. is. God. This is not to say that He promises that this baby is guaranteed anything, but rather that HE will always have ALL the power. In life. In death. In slavery. In freedom.
Today is a rather significant day in Jewish and Christian faith. I do realize that Passover is technically next month due to the lunar calendar, but you try explaining how that can be so out of order in the Holy Week to two 4 year olds. ;) So tonight, our little family will sit down around the table and celebrate this special occasion. Now, we have never experienced Passover with anyone outside of these walls, so it will probably be a puny attempt in comparison to those who have years of tradition under their belts. We are just hoping that the lamb is edible this year. ;)
I have to admit, that when we attempted this last year for the first time, it was probably my favorite holiday of the year. There is something incredibly holy about reflecting on the first Passover (when the angel of death passed over the Israelites in Egypt), God's faithfulness over all the generations, and then the solemn realization of the depth of Christ's last meal before He endured the next day. I think many times as Christians, we focus so much on the fact that "Sunday is coming" (and hallelujah that the resurrection came!), that we downplay the significance of this horrific night and following day. As Christ tasted the bitter herbs at Passover reminding everyone of the bitterness of slavery in Egypt, His soul must have groaned at the bitterness He would soon partake of. We see the unleavened bread and remember the haste of the Israelites packing to leave their captivity, but as He broke it for His disciples, I wonder if he flinched in anticipation of the whip against His holy back.
This year, I also think of this story of Abraham and how it correlates to Passover and the crucifixion. It is very similar, instead this time, it is Christ's broken body that is the covenant. As Abraham observed the carcasses on the ground, we survey the torn flesh of our Savior- His body broken for us. And just like Abraham, we are mere witnesses. The covenant is signed only by God. Nothing Abraham did solidified his promised inheritance, just as we are unable to secure our heavenly inheritance in and of ourselves. It is only through the covenant of Jesus that it is guaranteed.
I enjoy pondering Abraham's experience during this pregnancy, as it reminds me of God's faithfulness. But I am in complete awe when I survey a covenant that is completely one-sided, and one that is so secure that it holds the eternal fate of my soul.
Holy Week is vital. We cannot celebrate the glory of Resurrection Sunday without kneeling in the pit of the brokenness that led to it. May we taste the bitterness of the bloody sacrifice required on our behalf before we look to the glory of Sunday morning.
But hallelujah.
Sunday IS coming!
This pregnancy has not been anything like we had expected, or hoped it to be. I've been on some form of bed rest for the majority of the last 8 months, with more complications than I can remember. When I was first taken off my feet, I thought this would be a great season of reading and writing, two of my favorite things, but instead I have found my mind to be so cloudy, I can barely focus long enough to do either. I'm sure this is a result of pregnancy hormones, the effects of a heart not pumping correctly, and various medications that have kept this Baby inside. I have tried to sit down and update the blog multiple times over the last few months, but nothing seemed to flow.
Little Man has struggled significantly over the last few months. We knew the holiday season would be extremely stressful for him. Last year he wasn't able to calm down from the holidays until about February. This year, we survived the holiday hustle and bustle, only for me to immediately be put on strict bed rest and start needing help with the kids. We had some amazing friends rally around us and help take care of everything, but unfortunately, Little Man just can't handle any change in schedule or people he sees regularly, so he spiraled downhill emotionally and behaviorally fairly quickly. In the past week we have just started to see him eat semi-regularly again. His past trauma and current anxiety touches every aspect of his life so I won't go into all of the details because it is simply too much to list, but we are extremely grateful to finally see some progress after many hard months. We had to reduce his schedule to almost nothing, with very few variables (doctor appointments, visits with friends, church activities, etc.), but it has made a tremendous difference. We have slowly been able to introduce small things again, but are fully prepared to go back to full-blown cocooning after the baby is born.
During this time of difficulties, God has repeatedly brought to mind a specific story. The little I have been able to focus enough to read over the last few months has been significantly centered around Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob and their wives. One very tiny story in these chapters has been enough for me to ponder over several months, and has brought significant peace to my weary soul. You see, this baby wiggling around in my womb is in many ways the fulfillment of a special promise to me. This child has been the answer to very unique prayers that were offered before conception (not simply prayers to have another baby). That positive pregnancy test was confirmation about many things the Lord had been speaking to my heart about.
Genesis 15:
9 So the Lord said to him, “Bring me a heifer, a goat and a ram, each three years old, along with a dove and a young pigeon.”
10 Abram brought all these to him, cut them in two and arranged the halves opposite each other; the birds, however, he did not cut in half. 11 Then birds of prey came down on the carcasses, but Abram drove them away.
12 As the sun was setting, Abram fell into a deep sleep, and a thick and dreadful darkness came over him. 13 Then the Lord said to him, “Know for certain that for four hundred years your descendants will be strangers in a country not their own and that they will be enslaved and mistreated there. 14 But I will punish the nation they serve as slaves, and afterward they will come out with great possessions. 15 You, however, will go to your ancestors in peace and be buried at a good old age. 16 In the fourth generation your descendants will come back here, for the sin of the Amorites has not yet reached its full measure.”
17 When the sun had set and darkness had fallen, a smoking firepot with a blazing torch appeared and passed between the pieces. 18 On that day the Lord made a covenant with Abram...
Basically what has happened is this: God has just promised an heir to Abraham that will come from his own body (not Eliezer of his household as he had previously planned upon not having children). Abraham believes Him and it is "credited to him as righteousness." From here, God requires a covenant, so Abraham gathers up the animals and prepares them. Imagine now what that would have been like. God has made this beautiful and specific promise to Abraham, and now he spends the whole day on cloud nine preparing his act of worship before this mighty Elohim Creator God who as Jehovah also desires this deep, fulfilling personal relationship with him. So Abraham is thrilled with this promise of a positive pregnancy test, if you will. He sets up the sacrifice in a way that symbolizes a serious covenant. Many times in those days, if men were to enter into a solemn agreement with one another, animals would be cut in half and separated. The men would then walk through the carcasses in agreement- the halved bodies a solemn reminder of the seriousness of breaking this covenant. Abraham waits to for God to appear, but he suddenly falls into "a deep sleep, and a thick and dreadful darkness came over him." He is to some degree unconscious or at the very least not himself, and now trapped in horrific darkness, only to be told devastating news by Yahweh. These very descendants he has been promised will suffer a terrible fate- 400 years of slavery in a foreign country. The only silver lining is that they will return to this land of inheritance and with many possessions.
Now after hearing this dreadful news, a smoking firepot with a blazing torch, signifying God's holiness, righteousness, and judgment, appear and pass between the carcasses. Abraham is just a witness to this event. Instead of partaking in this covenant, God "signed on the dotted line" alone. He proves to Abraham in this moment that he is not needed to fulfill God's promise. The Father is His own oath. What an amazing realization! We see here God's ultimate power in mastering the present and the future. We humans are simply not needed to fulfill anything He has promised to accomplish. In seeing this, just as Abraham did, we realize that He alone is worthy of all the praise due His Name.
Throughout this pregnancy, the Father has brought this story to mind many, many times. Each time we have come close to losing the baby, or delivering significantly early, even in the stress, there has been the quiet whisper in my heart that everything will be ok, regardless of what happens in this pregnancy, birth, and life of this child. Not because of anything that I or my doctor can do, but because He. is. God. This is not to say that He promises that this baby is guaranteed anything, but rather that HE will always have ALL the power. In life. In death. In slavery. In freedom.
Today is a rather significant day in Jewish and Christian faith. I do realize that Passover is technically next month due to the lunar calendar, but you try explaining how that can be so out of order in the Holy Week to two 4 year olds. ;) So tonight, our little family will sit down around the table and celebrate this special occasion. Now, we have never experienced Passover with anyone outside of these walls, so it will probably be a puny attempt in comparison to those who have years of tradition under their belts. We are just hoping that the lamb is edible this year. ;)
I have to admit, that when we attempted this last year for the first time, it was probably my favorite holiday of the year. There is something incredibly holy about reflecting on the first Passover (when the angel of death passed over the Israelites in Egypt), God's faithfulness over all the generations, and then the solemn realization of the depth of Christ's last meal before He endured the next day. I think many times as Christians, we focus so much on the fact that "Sunday is coming" (and hallelujah that the resurrection came!), that we downplay the significance of this horrific night and following day. As Christ tasted the bitter herbs at Passover reminding everyone of the bitterness of slavery in Egypt, His soul must have groaned at the bitterness He would soon partake of. We see the unleavened bread and remember the haste of the Israelites packing to leave their captivity, but as He broke it for His disciples, I wonder if he flinched in anticipation of the whip against His holy back.
This year, I also think of this story of Abraham and how it correlates to Passover and the crucifixion. It is very similar, instead this time, it is Christ's broken body that is the covenant. As Abraham observed the carcasses on the ground, we survey the torn flesh of our Savior- His body broken for us. And just like Abraham, we are mere witnesses. The covenant is signed only by God. Nothing Abraham did solidified his promised inheritance, just as we are unable to secure our heavenly inheritance in and of ourselves. It is only through the covenant of Jesus that it is guaranteed.
I enjoy pondering Abraham's experience during this pregnancy, as it reminds me of God's faithfulness. But I am in complete awe when I survey a covenant that is completely one-sided, and one that is so secure that it holds the eternal fate of my soul.
Holy Week is vital. We cannot celebrate the glory of Resurrection Sunday without kneeling in the pit of the brokenness that led to it. May we taste the bitterness of the bloody sacrifice required on our behalf before we look to the glory of Sunday morning.
But hallelujah.
Sunday IS coming!
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