Today is 4 months since Gotcha Day! It honestly feels like an eternity ago. I don't really even remember life with just one kid, although I am trying to figure out why I used to think I always had my hands full then. I had NO idea. Ha!
Things with Little Man have been going really well. He is processing his grief better and is beginning to learn acceptable ways to show his emotions. He likes to give me a play by play for everything he is doing, "Mommy, I ate a cracker!" "Mommy, I play da drum!" "Mommy, I drink juice!" It can be amusing at times as he wants to show me his empty mouth after each bite or wants me to watch each time he hits the toy drum. He so desperately craves praise and validation. It is a joy to see him light up when we acknowledge a job well done.
We are preparing for Christmas, and I have to admit that I have been looking forward to this Christmas for two years now. Two Christmases ago, we were praying about adoption, and wondering if we had a child alive somewhere else in the world. Last Christmas was so, so painful. I can't really even describe how difficult it was to exchange presents while being completely preoccupied with the knowledge of Little Man spending the holidays in a crib. This Christmas, we celebrate the birth of the Son, our Messiah, but we also celebrate the "re-birth" of our son. I find myself humming Christmas carols about how God promised His salvation, and thinking that he has indeed kept His word- not only in the salvation of our souls, but the redemption of this precious little life of our son.
On our first trip to meet Little Man, I remember being so overwhelmed when they first brought him into the room. He looked squarely at Hubby, pointed, and screamed, "Daddy!" I remember thinking in that second, "You are fatherless no more." That moment was the pinnacle of everything we had prayed and waited for. It was everything. I went back to the hotel and posted a very small update on Facebook that I had finally been given the honor of holding my son for the first time. I included a song on that post that had been in my head the whole day. It is a Christmas song, but I couldn't think of anything more appropriate for a little boy who had never known the love of a dad, and was now, not only in the arms of his earthly father, but also hearing whispers of his worth to The Father for the first time.
So needless to say, this song is incredibly emotional and special to me.
Here are some of the lyrics:
He is the song for the suffering
He is Messiah
The Prince of Peace has come
He has come
Emmanuel
Glory to the Light of the World (4x)
For all who wait
For all who hunger
For all who've prayed
For all who wonder
Behold your King
Behold Messiah
Emmanuel
Emmanuel
(You can listen to that song here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_cLhaZIBSpo. I assure you that you need to listen to it before continuing to read. Perhaps open it in a new window.)
I remember thinking that if Jesus came for anyone, He came for Little Man. He came for a little boy who had known suffering. A little boy who had waited. Who knew hunger. And here we were, simple people, given the beautiful privilege of introducing him to the King for the first time.
Emmanuel. God with us. God in us. I don't think there is anything left to say but, Glory to the Light of the World.
I have been turning this blog post over in my head for a few weeks now. I told the Hubs that sometimes I write just for an update, but other times words come to me over a period of time that are so intimate, that I can't do anything but write them down in order to process their depth and impact in my life. I guess that is one of the curses of this century- that I have the ability to write these things for all the world to see. But perhaps, it can also be a blessing.
We have been very intentionally protective of Little Man's past. Our main reason for that is because he has nothing else that has ever been entirely his own. He wasn't even allowed to leave the orphanage with the clothes on his back. So for us, we have decided that we won't share the details of why he was placed for adoption or anything else we know about his past because that is his story to tell. One day when he is old enough to decide, he may choose to share it, but we will leave that choice to him. So for now, we speak in general terms about why many kids in his first country are placed for adoption, but never his true, personal story.
I have discussed with the Hubs if this next bit would betray that gift we have chosen to protect, and we don't think that it will. I think it will speak to the incredible testimony that Little Man has and the intricate Majesty of our God.
This Christmas, I have had many more things to ponder than years past, and this year, I think I may actually understand the Christmas story in ways I never could have before. One particular area that has struck me is the humility of our Savior's birth. I always considered the Messiah being born in a stable to be symbolism of just how far He was willing to go in leaving His throne room, but now I see that humble birth in a new light. I see that birth reflected in my own son.
I ache thinking that perhaps there were no balloons or "It's a Boy" cigars passed around to celebrate the significance of his first gasp for air. And I think about the donkeys that must have snorted hot, thick breath at the first cries of the Messiah.
I think about the hours I spent studying and memorizing Baby Girl's tiny fingers and nose, and I realize that Little Man spent his first days and weeks undergoing major surgeries, and recovering alone in a crib.
I marvel at the Savior's poverty in having pigeons or doves sacrificed at his dedication, and Little Man's shunt being donated because orphans aren't granted the privilege of that lifesaving surgery by the government.
I groan wondering if Little Man was warm. And I see images of my Lord wrapped in rags.
I weep wishing I could have been there- that it could have been different- that I could have protected him. And I fall to my knees under the realization that the King of Kings would choose such a humble entrance to the world.
Behold your King
Behold Messiah
Emmanuel
The biggest lump in my throat comes when I survey all of these details, and I look in the eyes of Little Man, knowing that at his birth, he was given the name Jesus. Jesus.
We were told that when an orphan is named Jesus, it is typically given to mean, "Only God can save you now." Although if that is meant as a prayer or a curse, I do not know.
Do you know what the name Jesus means?
The LORD rescues.
For all who wait
For all who hunger
For all who've prayed
For all who wonder
So this Christmas, we hold a little boy whose very name is a cry for salvation. Salvation from despair. Salvation from hopelessness. Salvation from hunger. Salvation from brokenness. A cry for salvation.
And we have the incredible honor of carrying him for the first time to the manger, where a baby sleeps. A baby who shares the same name, but a baby who is the fulfillment of a promise.
The LORD rescues.
Jesus.
Emmanuel.
Glory to the Light of the World.
Thursday, December 18, 2014
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
You Make Beautiful Things
We have been home with Little Man for just over three months now. I fully intended to post regularly on this blog, but it seems that each month-iversary is the best I can manage. Ha!
Life has settled into a much better routine. Little Man has a firm grasp on what is to happen each day and is now able to express when he wants to get out and do different things like church or going to the store. Baby Girl seems to have completely accepted him as her brother as the sibling squabbles are becoming more regular.
The sheer number of things he has learned in such a short time astounds me. He is speaking in full sentences most of the time now. He wasn't even doing that in his native language when we picked him up. He can hold a simple conversation with us. He can not only say the words "sad" or "happy" etc, but he can identify those emotions he is feeling and verbalize them now, and most of the time, can say why he is happy or sad. He can count to ten by himself! He asks to sing specific songs and can sing them on his own. He has a favorite TV show: Daniel Tiger. In the past month or so, he has begun to ask for things. That sounds silly to count that as a major milestone, but it is huge for a newly adopted child. It signifies that he trusts us to ask for things like juice, food, or to go bye-bye. And not only that he feels safe to ask for things, but assured and confident that we will give him all of the things he needs. That is a REALLY big deal for him.
His physical strength has improved drastically! He can sit up with out propping up on his arms. In fact, last night, he took his first bath without his bath chair. That takes a lot of core strength and balance to sit upright in the tub, especially while everything is slippery- strength and balance that he did not have three months ago. Last night I chuckled to myself at the dark-haired kid splashing and popping bubbles when I thought about how different this was from his first bath. The day we brought him out of the orphanage, we gave him a bath in the hotel and he cried through the whole thing. He was petrified! I am not sure he had ever been in water before. I know that most kids coming from orphanages only stand or sit under a shower head, however often they are bathed, but because of his disability, I think it is possible he only ever had sponge baths.
He army crawls through the house like he owns the place! ;) His confidence is growing, which is wonderful to see. I was amazed at how easily he can do a puzzle on the iPad, and how proud he is when he does it by himself. "I did it, Mommy! I did it!" He is currently scooting around in a circle on the floor screaming, "Watch me! Watch me!" In the last few weeks, he has even managed to get up onto all fours and rock back and forth! Honestly, we didn't know that was physically possible for him. We are so proud of his determination.
Little Man has developed a little attitude along with that confidence. I am sure Baby Girl would adamantly deny that he could have possibly learned that from her. :)
While he has made tremendous progress, there have been struggles. As the weight and finality of being ripped from everything he has ever known begins to drop onto his little shoulders, we have seen his behaviors change some. While he is a happy little guy, we do see the emotionally scarred, terrified child with a past of hurt, come out sometimes. He did so well after we got home, that all of the social workers we work with warned us that the "honeymoon" may be over soon and without warning. One social worker reminded us that anything could trigger a memory of his past and cause him to act out in grief. It could be a happy memory, or a very sad, hurtful memory. Unfortunately, there is no way to predict what will trigger a memory or in what moment his brain will again process all of the changes he has had to undergo. It is agonizing to watch your baby sob and ache over pains he can't express, or bite his tongue to the point of having sores, bang his head against furniture, or slap his own face and know that, in that moment, you can't heal the hurt. That is a pain that, as a mother, is impossible to describe to someone who is not walking the same path.
When a child is physically born into a family, there is immense pain and a messy, but glorious intertwining of lives as a baby becomes family. When a child is adopted, there is pain for all members of the family, especially the child, and a mess that cannot be washed away with water. Only the blood of Jesus Christ can clean this kind of mess.
The depths of the pain that comes from a child being displaced from his birth family, whether by death, abandonment, or legal intervention, is so tender that I don't think it is possible to be written. In the adoption process, there is a longing so intense that it can't be put into words. That waiting for Little Man was easily the most difficult and painful thing I have ever done.
But this mending of broken hearts that we are living now is so intricate and raw that it was impossible to comprehend in the waiting. It is like walking straight into a burning building to salvage the life inside the crumbling walls. We knew that any child we adopted would have struggles related to coming from the "hard places", as the experts call it, but now that it is not just a child and it is instead our child, the intensity of the flames brings us to our knees at times.
I say all of that to be somewhat transparent about what adoption is truly like. But also to say that it is completely worth it.
In many ways, it feels as though Little Man has been here all along. There are painful reminders of that untruth though that seem to appear, especially in moments that I am unguarded. Surprisingly, decorating the Christmas tree was bittersweet. I had been looking forward to that for almost two years, anticipating the glow on his face as the lights blinked on for the first time. But instead, we pulled down a box of ornaments collected over the years that reminded us that for three of those years, Little Man was alone. We have matching ornaments with our names on it, but none for Little Man. Of course, that is an easy fix, but still a quick stab to the heart. It is different for other families, I am sure, who have birthed new babies over the years, for those children simply didn't exist. Our little boy was breathing, alone in a crib while we unwrapped presents and celebrated in years past. It is hard enough for a Mama to experience that pain, and if I'm being completely transparent, that guilt, but when your son looks at pictures of Mommy, Daddy and Baby Girl, and asks, "Where's 'Little Man'?", that's when fire burns in your heart like the tears in your eyes.
Our hope is this year we can give him enough Christmas experiences to make up for a lifetime of none. Of course it is impossible to actually regain those years, but I think that is a reality that all adoptive families eventually have to accept as reality. Unfortunately, I don't think there comes a time when the child (or parents) "come to terms" with the pain caused by needing adoption, and therefore it is a lifetime of balancing grief with blessing.
As we learn to walk in this grief, we are learning what redemption really looks like. Church folk talk a lot about becoming a new person, but this front-row seat God has given us to watch Little Man transform from a file number into a blossoming child is beyond words.
We are seeing that where grief is, redemption runs deeper.
At church on Sunday, one of our friends sang "Beautiful Things" by Gungor. There are several worship songs that really resonate with me in relation to Little Man's adoption. But this one. It got me.
All this pain
I wonder if I'll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You
I know the song well. For a time, it was the only thing Baby Girl would fall asleep to, but this time, hugging Little Man, reflecting on another week of watching him become a new creation, was humbling. It was humbling, not only to see the work God has done in his life, but to also see a very tangible example of what He has done for us. In His perfect love, His nail-pierced, ransoming hands reach down and lift us out of our cribs of certain doom and bring us home. He transforms us from dust, from nothing, into sons and daughters.
You are making us new.
Hallelujah.
Beautiful Things
Life has settled into a much better routine. Little Man has a firm grasp on what is to happen each day and is now able to express when he wants to get out and do different things like church or going to the store. Baby Girl seems to have completely accepted him as her brother as the sibling squabbles are becoming more regular.
The sheer number of things he has learned in such a short time astounds me. He is speaking in full sentences most of the time now. He wasn't even doing that in his native language when we picked him up. He can hold a simple conversation with us. He can not only say the words "sad" or "happy" etc, but he can identify those emotions he is feeling and verbalize them now, and most of the time, can say why he is happy or sad. He can count to ten by himself! He asks to sing specific songs and can sing them on his own. He has a favorite TV show: Daniel Tiger. In the past month or so, he has begun to ask for things. That sounds silly to count that as a major milestone, but it is huge for a newly adopted child. It signifies that he trusts us to ask for things like juice, food, or to go bye-bye. And not only that he feels safe to ask for things, but assured and confident that we will give him all of the things he needs. That is a REALLY big deal for him.
His physical strength has improved drastically! He can sit up with out propping up on his arms. In fact, last night, he took his first bath without his bath chair. That takes a lot of core strength and balance to sit upright in the tub, especially while everything is slippery- strength and balance that he did not have three months ago. Last night I chuckled to myself at the dark-haired kid splashing and popping bubbles when I thought about how different this was from his first bath. The day we brought him out of the orphanage, we gave him a bath in the hotel and he cried through the whole thing. He was petrified! I am not sure he had ever been in water before. I know that most kids coming from orphanages only stand or sit under a shower head, however often they are bathed, but because of his disability, I think it is possible he only ever had sponge baths.
He army crawls through the house like he owns the place! ;) His confidence is growing, which is wonderful to see. I was amazed at how easily he can do a puzzle on the iPad, and how proud he is when he does it by himself. "I did it, Mommy! I did it!" He is currently scooting around in a circle on the floor screaming, "Watch me! Watch me!" In the last few weeks, he has even managed to get up onto all fours and rock back and forth! Honestly, we didn't know that was physically possible for him. We are so proud of his determination.
Little Man has developed a little attitude along with that confidence. I am sure Baby Girl would adamantly deny that he could have possibly learned that from her. :)
While he has made tremendous progress, there have been struggles. As the weight and finality of being ripped from everything he has ever known begins to drop onto his little shoulders, we have seen his behaviors change some. While he is a happy little guy, we do see the emotionally scarred, terrified child with a past of hurt, come out sometimes. He did so well after we got home, that all of the social workers we work with warned us that the "honeymoon" may be over soon and without warning. One social worker reminded us that anything could trigger a memory of his past and cause him to act out in grief. It could be a happy memory, or a very sad, hurtful memory. Unfortunately, there is no way to predict what will trigger a memory or in what moment his brain will again process all of the changes he has had to undergo. It is agonizing to watch your baby sob and ache over pains he can't express, or bite his tongue to the point of having sores, bang his head against furniture, or slap his own face and know that, in that moment, you can't heal the hurt. That is a pain that, as a mother, is impossible to describe to someone who is not walking the same path.
When a child is physically born into a family, there is immense pain and a messy, but glorious intertwining of lives as a baby becomes family. When a child is adopted, there is pain for all members of the family, especially the child, and a mess that cannot be washed away with water. Only the blood of Jesus Christ can clean this kind of mess.
The depths of the pain that comes from a child being displaced from his birth family, whether by death, abandonment, or legal intervention, is so tender that I don't think it is possible to be written. In the adoption process, there is a longing so intense that it can't be put into words. That waiting for Little Man was easily the most difficult and painful thing I have ever done.
But this mending of broken hearts that we are living now is so intricate and raw that it was impossible to comprehend in the waiting. It is like walking straight into a burning building to salvage the life inside the crumbling walls. We knew that any child we adopted would have struggles related to coming from the "hard places", as the experts call it, but now that it is not just a child and it is instead our child, the intensity of the flames brings us to our knees at times.
I say all of that to be somewhat transparent about what adoption is truly like. But also to say that it is completely worth it.
In many ways, it feels as though Little Man has been here all along. There are painful reminders of that untruth though that seem to appear, especially in moments that I am unguarded. Surprisingly, decorating the Christmas tree was bittersweet. I had been looking forward to that for almost two years, anticipating the glow on his face as the lights blinked on for the first time. But instead, we pulled down a box of ornaments collected over the years that reminded us that for three of those years, Little Man was alone. We have matching ornaments with our names on it, but none for Little Man. Of course, that is an easy fix, but still a quick stab to the heart. It is different for other families, I am sure, who have birthed new babies over the years, for those children simply didn't exist. Our little boy was breathing, alone in a crib while we unwrapped presents and celebrated in years past. It is hard enough for a Mama to experience that pain, and if I'm being completely transparent, that guilt, but when your son looks at pictures of Mommy, Daddy and Baby Girl, and asks, "Where's 'Little Man'?", that's when fire burns in your heart like the tears in your eyes.
Our hope is this year we can give him enough Christmas experiences to make up for a lifetime of none. Of course it is impossible to actually regain those years, but I think that is a reality that all adoptive families eventually have to accept as reality. Unfortunately, I don't think there comes a time when the child (or parents) "come to terms" with the pain caused by needing adoption, and therefore it is a lifetime of balancing grief with blessing.
As we learn to walk in this grief, we are learning what redemption really looks like. Church folk talk a lot about becoming a new person, but this front-row seat God has given us to watch Little Man transform from a file number into a blossoming child is beyond words.
We are seeing that where grief is, redemption runs deeper.
At church on Sunday, one of our friends sang "Beautiful Things" by Gungor. There are several worship songs that really resonate with me in relation to Little Man's adoption. But this one. It got me.
All this pain
I wonder if I'll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You
I know the song well. For a time, it was the only thing Baby Girl would fall asleep to, but this time, hugging Little Man, reflecting on another week of watching him become a new creation, was humbling. It was humbling, not only to see the work God has done in his life, but to also see a very tangible example of what He has done for us. In His perfect love, His nail-pierced, ransoming hands reach down and lift us out of our cribs of certain doom and bring us home. He transforms us from dust, from nothing, into sons and daughters.
You are making us new.
Hallelujah.
Beautiful Things
Monday, October 13, 2014
(Almost) Two Months Together!
It has been almost two months since we "busted Little Man out of the orphanage," as Baby Girl so delicately phrases it. We have changed SO much more in the last two months than I think we realized we would. We have become closer as a family, dealt with new struggles, had major victories, and morphed into a new family with four members who have all learned to adapt, grow, and love more deeply than we previously thought possible.
I would say that Little Man adjusted and bonded to us very quickly, but the last two weeks or so, we have noticed that he seems to have an even firmer attachment to all of us. As less things are "new" and most days have some type of routine (although some days, I use that word loosely!), his ability to trust us seems to deepen. He has learned that when Mommy goes to the store, she always comes back. He has learned that Daddy can make him belly laugh, and is the best encourager as he works towards more mobility and skills. And he has learned that Sister is going to tackle and hug him more than he would ever like, and sometimes it is easier to just hug her back than try to get rid of her. ;)
I would venture to say that most adoptive families have more struggles in attachment than we have had. I can't really pinpoint what has been different for our family. A lot of the attachment process has been easy for us. I think there were a lot of factors that have played a part in that. He had a nanny in the orphanage who truly loved him. He is fairly young, having just turned three. There has been a lot of prayer wrapped around us during the last year. (I add this point to prove the power of our God, not to say that families who have more struggles are lacking in prayer or faith. Surely the LORD of the universe has a different path for each family to walk, and His denying an easy journey is NOT evidence of Him being removed from other families.) I will also add that many families experience a lot of tantrums which can involve hitting, biting, scratching, etc. Physically, Little Man isn't really capable of throwing himself around like that in the way many physically healthy children are. He does have "institutional behaviors" that are apparent, but if he is angry, it is easier for him to resort to those or crying, since physically thrashing around is somewhat impossible. We did so much training and preparation for the attachment stages, even more than was required of us by our agency, I was expecting it to be harder. Our social worker has warned us that we are likely "honeymooning" with Little Man right now, and that we may begin to see more severe issues arise in the coming weeks and months, especially as his medical intervention plays a more steady role in our day to day. But for now, we continue to praise the LORD for His mercies and focus on being extremely intentional in how we continue the bonding process with Little Man.
All of that does not mean that we have not had really hard days since we have scooped up Little Man and fled the orphanage. In the early weeks, he refused to be out of arms' reach of me, and would not allow anyone else to hold him, even Daddy. (Which sounds ridiculous to complain about that being "difficult", but I assure you, when you are physically and emotionally exhausted, sometimes you just need a minute without children or dogs trying to be physically touching you 24/7!) When he seems stressed or on "high alert" sensory-wise, we still notice him drifting into those tendencies. For the most part, we have allowed family and friends to hug and play with him, but we allow Little Man to dictate how much he can tolerate. If he wants a hug, great! But sometimes, all he wants is a high-five. And sometimes, even that is too much. We are getting better at reading his cues. And if we notice he is slipping back to not wanting to go to Daddy, we have to cut off all touch from others.
I would say that the biggest issue we encountered was after he was sedated for his CT scan, he woke up in the initial recovery room alone (I was not allowed to be there- despite desperate attempts to explain how very psychologically scaring that would be for him). After kids are sedated, they are taken into a room with only medical professionals to ensure that they can be woken up. Typically, they are so groggy from all of the medication, they fall right back asleep and are immediately taken into the recovery room where mom and dad are waiting. Well, Little Man woke up initially, realized he was alone and drugged, and LOST IT. I could hear him screaming from down the hall. They finally brought him to me, but the damage had been done. While most kids would typically doze back off and sleep for most of the afternoon, Little Man was awake until after midnight that night, terrified of going to sleep. (Of course, we had just effectively "taught" him that it was possible for him to fall asleep with mommy holding him, and wake up alone and drugged with tubes coming out of him.) That was a VERY rough week. It is difficult to be able to re-train a child to trust you when you have limited language ability, and he isn't capable of falling asleep with you holding/touching them. We spent many hours laying on the floor next to his crib, whispering promises of our love and devotion to him.
Even despite those setbacks, it has somehow forged a stronger bond as we actively seek out opportunities to prove our "forever-ness" to him.
Several people have asked about what Little Man's medical situation looks like, now that we have been to all of the specialists. And as a nurse, I would be curious too. ;)
We will have a long few years ahead of us. There will be long hours of therapy, countless pieces of equipment to help give him new mobility and also to correct what three years of being mostly in a crib has done to his little body. His knees and ankles are contracted (meaning that they don't bend and straighten completely) from lack of being worked with over the last years. He also has severe muscle weakness, especially in his trunk and legs. And he is very underweight. Even though Baby Girl is 6 weeks YOUNGER than he is, in pictures of the two of them together, you can easily see just how tiny he is.
So after being to several specialists, we have found that his shunt (for his hydrocephalus) is working perfectly! He has been fitted for several different things to help correct some of the above issues. Currently, he sleeps in knee immobilizers, which help keep his knees from bending up in a "frog" position, which they naturally do from years of lying on his back. This is what they look like:
We will go back to the doctor to pick up his other pieces of equipment in the next few weeks after they are made. (They have to be made specifically for each patient, which takes a little time.) He will be given something called DAFOs, which will help re-align his feet and ankles to the correct position. Currently, with they angles they are in, it is impossible to be weight-bearing. Here is what they look like (except his will have fun jungle animals on them, if I remember correctly!):
Next, he has a very special piece called a parapodium on its way. (I still call it the stand-y-up-y-thingy, because I can never remember the word parapodium. I think that is more medically correct anyway.) This will help ensure that Little Man is UPRIGHT for practically the first time ever! Here is what that looks like (many thanks to the child on Google for making such a cute picture):
Now, he won't be able to walk in this, but it will help him be upright and weight bearing, which is a HUGE thing for him both medically and socially. He will be able to stand next to a table and play play-doh with his sister, color, eat, and do all sorts of other fun things that he has only been able to do lying on the floor or sitting in his high chair.
We were able to find some more reflexes in his legs and feet. His muscles have been very affected, but it is difficult to tell how much of that is from the Spina Bifida and how much is from institutional delay. Ultimately, it doesn't really matter. What is nerve damage from the SB is pretty much permanent, but we can help him develop muscle mass and more range of motion in his joints.
He has gained a whopping 3 pounds since pick up! So he is now weighing in at 20 pounds and 15 ounces!
Now for the news everyone is probably trying to read between the lines for: The doctors to think that he WILL be able to walk some day!!! At this point, we aren't sure if that will be with crutches or braces on his legs, but the plan is to move forward aiming for that goal! But we are thrilled that all of the different specialists are in agreement that walking is a realistic goal! It will probably be several years from now before we get to that point because we are working from more set-backs than a newborn with SB that immediately goes into therapy. We have 3 years worth of extra issues to correct before we can start tackling walking. But none of that surprises us. We were prepared for this type of timeline when we committed to Little Man a year ago, although we weren't even sure if walking would ever be a possibility. Now it looks like it is the most likely outcome!
So hooray for these extra blessings! We not only have the most amazing son God could have blessed us with, but now we have such huge victories to work toward! We have learned SO much about Little Man, not only medically, but also about his personality. He is so sweet and loving, and a little mischievous too. ;) He is the perfect fit for our family! Only an all-knowing and all-loving God could have pieced all of these pieces together. (Seriously though, as a small example- only God could have told me to go to nursing school, even if it wasn't in my plans, then encouraged me to trust in Him when I whined about how much time and money I spent on nursing school just for Him to tell me to be a stay-at-home mom. I imagine He grinned a little when it clicked in my head that I had to become a nurse to be able to navigate all of the future things with my son, who was already alive on the other side of the world, even though I had NO CLUE!!! Why do we struggle against Him? He ALWAYS knows best!)
With almost two months under our belts, we have had a lot of time for reflection. I told the Hubs the other day, one of the biggest lessons I have learned is about the Father. It is a common saying that "Children are just on loan to us from the LORD." Meaning that God gives them to us to love and raise, and return to Him, because He alone is the Creator and Master of life. It is our job as parents to provide, love, and cherish these precious babies, but ultimately release them to fulfill the destiny that He has planned for them.
But the pain of seeing how much we have missed in Little Man's life is just a very blatant reminder that my children are not my own.
They are His.
He alone is the one who sustains them.
Little Man didn't have Mommy and Daddy for the first three years. But, he did have a Father, who can sustain, love, and protect him like we will never humanly be able to do. So now I look at Baby Girl and think, I have been here all along, but you have always belonged only to Him. It is certainly a humbling place to be when you realize that the Giver of Life is truly in charge, no matter how many phonics videos or healthy meals you give to your kids. In some ways, it will make that day that I have to let them grow up and leave the nest somewhat easier. (As much as the mere thought of that day already makes me weep.) I know I will not be "releasing" them. They are already His. I don't give them to Him suddenly when they turn 18 and want to move away. I must surrender their lives to Him every day.
They've both been His all along.
I would say that Little Man adjusted and bonded to us very quickly, but the last two weeks or so, we have noticed that he seems to have an even firmer attachment to all of us. As less things are "new" and most days have some type of routine (although some days, I use that word loosely!), his ability to trust us seems to deepen. He has learned that when Mommy goes to the store, she always comes back. He has learned that Daddy can make him belly laugh, and is the best encourager as he works towards more mobility and skills. And he has learned that Sister is going to tackle and hug him more than he would ever like, and sometimes it is easier to just hug her back than try to get rid of her. ;)
I would venture to say that most adoptive families have more struggles in attachment than we have had. I can't really pinpoint what has been different for our family. A lot of the attachment process has been easy for us. I think there were a lot of factors that have played a part in that. He had a nanny in the orphanage who truly loved him. He is fairly young, having just turned three. There has been a lot of prayer wrapped around us during the last year. (I add this point to prove the power of our God, not to say that families who have more struggles are lacking in prayer or faith. Surely the LORD of the universe has a different path for each family to walk, and His denying an easy journey is NOT evidence of Him being removed from other families.) I will also add that many families experience a lot of tantrums which can involve hitting, biting, scratching, etc. Physically, Little Man isn't really capable of throwing himself around like that in the way many physically healthy children are. He does have "institutional behaviors" that are apparent, but if he is angry, it is easier for him to resort to those or crying, since physically thrashing around is somewhat impossible. We did so much training and preparation for the attachment stages, even more than was required of us by our agency, I was expecting it to be harder. Our social worker has warned us that we are likely "honeymooning" with Little Man right now, and that we may begin to see more severe issues arise in the coming weeks and months, especially as his medical intervention plays a more steady role in our day to day. But for now, we continue to praise the LORD for His mercies and focus on being extremely intentional in how we continue the bonding process with Little Man.
All of that does not mean that we have not had really hard days since we have scooped up Little Man and fled the orphanage. In the early weeks, he refused to be out of arms' reach of me, and would not allow anyone else to hold him, even Daddy. (Which sounds ridiculous to complain about that being "difficult", but I assure you, when you are physically and emotionally exhausted, sometimes you just need a minute without children or dogs trying to be physically touching you 24/7!) When he seems stressed or on "high alert" sensory-wise, we still notice him drifting into those tendencies. For the most part, we have allowed family and friends to hug and play with him, but we allow Little Man to dictate how much he can tolerate. If he wants a hug, great! But sometimes, all he wants is a high-five. And sometimes, even that is too much. We are getting better at reading his cues. And if we notice he is slipping back to not wanting to go to Daddy, we have to cut off all touch from others.
I would say that the biggest issue we encountered was after he was sedated for his CT scan, he woke up in the initial recovery room alone (I was not allowed to be there- despite desperate attempts to explain how very psychologically scaring that would be for him). After kids are sedated, they are taken into a room with only medical professionals to ensure that they can be woken up. Typically, they are so groggy from all of the medication, they fall right back asleep and are immediately taken into the recovery room where mom and dad are waiting. Well, Little Man woke up initially, realized he was alone and drugged, and LOST IT. I could hear him screaming from down the hall. They finally brought him to me, but the damage had been done. While most kids would typically doze back off and sleep for most of the afternoon, Little Man was awake until after midnight that night, terrified of going to sleep. (Of course, we had just effectively "taught" him that it was possible for him to fall asleep with mommy holding him, and wake up alone and drugged with tubes coming out of him.) That was a VERY rough week. It is difficult to be able to re-train a child to trust you when you have limited language ability, and he isn't capable of falling asleep with you holding/touching them. We spent many hours laying on the floor next to his crib, whispering promises of our love and devotion to him.
Even despite those setbacks, it has somehow forged a stronger bond as we actively seek out opportunities to prove our "forever-ness" to him.
Several people have asked about what Little Man's medical situation looks like, now that we have been to all of the specialists. And as a nurse, I would be curious too. ;)
We will have a long few years ahead of us. There will be long hours of therapy, countless pieces of equipment to help give him new mobility and also to correct what three years of being mostly in a crib has done to his little body. His knees and ankles are contracted (meaning that they don't bend and straighten completely) from lack of being worked with over the last years. He also has severe muscle weakness, especially in his trunk and legs. And he is very underweight. Even though Baby Girl is 6 weeks YOUNGER than he is, in pictures of the two of them together, you can easily see just how tiny he is.
So after being to several specialists, we have found that his shunt (for his hydrocephalus) is working perfectly! He has been fitted for several different things to help correct some of the above issues. Currently, he sleeps in knee immobilizers, which help keep his knees from bending up in a "frog" position, which they naturally do from years of lying on his back. This is what they look like:
We will go back to the doctor to pick up his other pieces of equipment in the next few weeks after they are made. (They have to be made specifically for each patient, which takes a little time.) He will be given something called DAFOs, which will help re-align his feet and ankles to the correct position. Currently, with they angles they are in, it is impossible to be weight-bearing. Here is what they look like (except his will have fun jungle animals on them, if I remember correctly!):
Next, he has a very special piece called a parapodium on its way. (I still call it the stand-y-up-y-thingy, because I can never remember the word parapodium. I think that is more medically correct anyway.) This will help ensure that Little Man is UPRIGHT for practically the first time ever! Here is what that looks like (many thanks to the child on Google for making such a cute picture):
Now, he won't be able to walk in this, but it will help him be upright and weight bearing, which is a HUGE thing for him both medically and socially. He will be able to stand next to a table and play play-doh with his sister, color, eat, and do all sorts of other fun things that he has only been able to do lying on the floor or sitting in his high chair.
We were able to find some more reflexes in his legs and feet. His muscles have been very affected, but it is difficult to tell how much of that is from the Spina Bifida and how much is from institutional delay. Ultimately, it doesn't really matter. What is nerve damage from the SB is pretty much permanent, but we can help him develop muscle mass and more range of motion in his joints.
He has gained a whopping 3 pounds since pick up! So he is now weighing in at 20 pounds and 15 ounces!
Now for the news everyone is probably trying to read between the lines for: The doctors to think that he WILL be able to walk some day!!! At this point, we aren't sure if that will be with crutches or braces on his legs, but the plan is to move forward aiming for that goal! But we are thrilled that all of the different specialists are in agreement that walking is a realistic goal! It will probably be several years from now before we get to that point because we are working from more set-backs than a newborn with SB that immediately goes into therapy. We have 3 years worth of extra issues to correct before we can start tackling walking. But none of that surprises us. We were prepared for this type of timeline when we committed to Little Man a year ago, although we weren't even sure if walking would ever be a possibility. Now it looks like it is the most likely outcome!
So hooray for these extra blessings! We not only have the most amazing son God could have blessed us with, but now we have such huge victories to work toward! We have learned SO much about Little Man, not only medically, but also about his personality. He is so sweet and loving, and a little mischievous too. ;) He is the perfect fit for our family! Only an all-knowing and all-loving God could have pieced all of these pieces together. (Seriously though, as a small example- only God could have told me to go to nursing school, even if it wasn't in my plans, then encouraged me to trust in Him when I whined about how much time and money I spent on nursing school just for Him to tell me to be a stay-at-home mom. I imagine He grinned a little when it clicked in my head that I had to become a nurse to be able to navigate all of the future things with my son, who was already alive on the other side of the world, even though I had NO CLUE!!! Why do we struggle against Him? He ALWAYS knows best!)
With almost two months under our belts, we have had a lot of time for reflection. I told the Hubs the other day, one of the biggest lessons I have learned is about the Father. It is a common saying that "Children are just on loan to us from the LORD." Meaning that God gives them to us to love and raise, and return to Him, because He alone is the Creator and Master of life. It is our job as parents to provide, love, and cherish these precious babies, but ultimately release them to fulfill the destiny that He has planned for them.
But the pain of seeing how much we have missed in Little Man's life is just a very blatant reminder that my children are not my own.
They are His.
He alone is the one who sustains them.
Little Man didn't have Mommy and Daddy for the first three years. But, he did have a Father, who can sustain, love, and protect him like we will never humanly be able to do. So now I look at Baby Girl and think, I have been here all along, but you have always belonged only to Him. It is certainly a humbling place to be when you realize that the Giver of Life is truly in charge, no matter how many phonics videos or healthy meals you give to your kids. In some ways, it will make that day that I have to let them grow up and leave the nest somewhat easier. (As much as the mere thought of that day already makes me weep.) I know I will not be "releasing" them. They are already His. I don't give them to Him suddenly when they turn 18 and want to move away. I must surrender their lives to Him every day.
They've both been His all along.
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
One Month Home
Today Little Man has been home for one whole month! I can't believe how fast the time flew by! In some ways, I feel like we just got back, but in other ways, I feel like he has been here for years.
Little Man is losing his "orphanage" look. He looks much more relaxed around us and our routines, and he seems to be comprehending that Daddy will come home each night, and there will always be food whenever he wants it. A routine is definitely important to him, as I'm sure there were not many days in the orphanage that did not have a very strict schedule. We can tell he is definitely on "high alert" if we are in a "new" place with "new" people. He is starting to get more relaxed at church, which is great, because we spend a good bit of time there each week. When I mention the word "church," he immediately starts yelling his friends' names. "E!" "J!" It is very funny and also exciting to see that he is relating faces and names, and he associates both with being happy.
He is learning a lot of new words. He will repeat anything we ask him to, but he is starting to say English words without being prompted. A few things off the top of my head that he says on his own are, "hello", "bye-bye", "mommy", "daddy", "BabyGirl", " 'caroni" (macaroni), "yummy", "chicken", "yucky", "diaper", "night-night", "belly", "nose", and a few others I'm sure I'm forgetting. He knows all the names of our immediate family (aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc.), and a few of our close friends that he has started to see regularly.
He LOVES to give and receive affection, which we learned in our training could be very difficult for some newly adopted children. He wants to be held, cuddled, tickled and kissed all the time. In fact, some of our sweetest moments so far have been at church. During the adoption process, I would sit in our usual pew at church and long for the Sunday that he would be in our arms to sing with us. I can remember, on several occasions, being moved almost to tears at the realization that he was on the other side of the world, but several times God whispered that I would hold him in that very spot as we all worshipped together. So now, we stand in our usual spot and hear the same songs that spoke of God's faithfulness, songs that held us together as we clung to His promise that He would set the lonely in families. We stand on the same spot of carpet, by the same chairs, singing the same songs, but now, I hold in my arms God's faithfulness. I get to literally cradle His promise to us. It is overwhelming to stand there, with Little Man in my arms, singing of His faithfulness, while Little Man puts his tiny hands on my face and tries to sneak in kisses.
The Lord has been so faithful to fulfill His promises to us, we can't help but rejoice at His love.
As we get to know Little Man better (which has been a fun journey- it is very different from a newborn who doesn't already have years of experiences and preferences and likes and dislikes), we see more and more of his physical conditions. We are seeing challenges just related to being in the orphanage for so long that make every day life different for us. For example, he does not know how to chew. We have managed to teach him how to move his jaw, but it is difficult to explain to a 3 year old with minimal language understanding how to use your teeth to grind food. So choking is something we have to watch for very carefully. He wants to eat solid foods like his sister, so we allow it, but it is something we have to be very careful about since he swallows everything whole. (Of course, we do give him as much pureed food as he will take, but mostly he wants solids- especially macaroni!)
We have been very open with explaining to people that Little Man was born with conditions called spina bifida and hydrocephaly. If you don't know what that is, or to help the next few paragraphs make sense, here are two quick explanations:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Ii_v3t9hpU
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ouMi5z1vwbE
Today has been a little more difficult for me than any of the other days so far, I think because tomorrow will be his first specialist doctor's appointment. Up until now, we haven't had to accept what a specialist has to say about his potential to walk, but tomorrow, I know that is coming. Honestly, I don't know if I am ready to hear the truth. I was venting to a friend last night and said that most pregnant mothers, if told something would be "wrong" with their babies would spend the next months praying and anxious to prove the doctors wrong at the babies' births. For me, the adoption was the same. I have spent so much time begging God to heal Little Man's legs, and I had no reason to believe He wouldn't. Don't get me wrong, of course we looked at his file intently and decided over a year ago, that regardless of whether God would heal him or not, he was absolutely our son and we would love him no matter what his level of functioning would be. As I have prayed over the past year, I knew that God may choose to not heal him, and I have accepted that.
BUT all that being said, when we finally got to spend hours, days, and weeks with our child, the reality of his disabilities became much more evident and real. (If that makes any sense at all.) It is becoming easier to see, to some extent, what is related to delay from the orphanage and what is a physical issue.
From what we can tell, he has no feeling below his knees. He does have a small reflex in each knee, but neither foot. His little knees and ankles are contracted from years of not being used and worked with. His knees do have some movement, they just don't straighten completely. His feet have almost no movement though. All of that means that he has no control of his muscles below his knees, so he can't move his lower legs or feet on his own, but even when I move his knees or ankles, they do not have the full range of motion that an average, healthy person has.
None of those things stop him from wanting to try everything his sister does, but it does sting my mama's heart to know that, currently, this is his reality.
We were at a church event this weekend that had bouncy houses. He pointed to them after watching Baby Girl jump for some time. I know he wanted to get in, but at that point, there were too many kids, most much older than him, and he would have been hurt. I walked away with him to find something else to do, secretly wondering if he would ever jump in one.
~
I know that all of this may sound ridiculous to many people. I'm sure many are thinking, "Well, you signed up for this!" "There is no reason this should be difficult because you walked into this journey with your eyes wide open."
And all of that is true.
We did "sign up for this", in the sense that we chose Little Man, specifically. We didn't just accept someone's recommendation of him. We specifically sought him out.
We did walk into this with our eyes wide open. We had access to every bit of his medical information before signing that we wanted to pursue him.
But none of that excludes us from the grieving process as we begin a new medical journey with him. Now, he is MY son. My little boy. And I never want to see him suffer. I don't want him to have to undergo the tests and scans that are scheduled for this week. I don't want him to have the future surgeries we know will happen. I don't want him to have to pull himself across the floor with his arms. I want him to walk. I want him to run and play. I want him to jump in every bouncy house he sees.
It is an odd place to be, this balance between falling deeply in love with your child, and still grieving the medical difficulties you see for the future. I certainly didn't expect these emotions. I also thought I had come to terms with all of the emotions related to having a son that will have physical challenges. But now that he is home, it is real. And the grief is a part of that.
Please don't misunderstand. I wouldn't do anything differently. Little Man has been our son since we first saw his picture, and in our hearts, even longer. We love him as much as we love our biological Baby Girl, just as if he had been born to us. But it is difficult to not be a little sad wondering what his future will look like in terms of mobility.
~
Thankfully, I know that the same Sovereign God who provided a way for Little Man to come home, is the same One who sees his every need. We serve a mighty God, who is ALWAYS victorious. He is victorious in life, and victorious in death. So we know that He alone has the victory in everything between.
I have hope in the risen Savior. And I know that this Savior takes great delight in telling the lame to take up his mat and walk.
I also know that this Savior sits on His holy throne, regardless of whether He chooses to heal or not.
Therefore, I know the victory is His.
The victory will be His in a wheelchair. Or the victory will be His in a bouncy house.
~
So as we begin the medical phase of this journey as a family, I ask that you continue to keep us in your prayers. I ask that you pray for Little Man's heart to be calm and trusting of us (which is a lot to ask so soon after coming home) as he is put to sleep for various tests. I ask that you pray for our hearts to cling to the hope that is in Christ Jesus alone, not in a doctor's opinion. I ask that if this week we weep because science and biology say the odds are against us, you remind us that the victory is already won.
Little Man is losing his "orphanage" look. He looks much more relaxed around us and our routines, and he seems to be comprehending that Daddy will come home each night, and there will always be food whenever he wants it. A routine is definitely important to him, as I'm sure there were not many days in the orphanage that did not have a very strict schedule. We can tell he is definitely on "high alert" if we are in a "new" place with "new" people. He is starting to get more relaxed at church, which is great, because we spend a good bit of time there each week. When I mention the word "church," he immediately starts yelling his friends' names. "E!" "J!" It is very funny and also exciting to see that he is relating faces and names, and he associates both with being happy.
He is learning a lot of new words. He will repeat anything we ask him to, but he is starting to say English words without being prompted. A few things off the top of my head that he says on his own are, "hello", "bye-bye", "mommy", "daddy", "BabyGirl", " 'caroni" (macaroni), "yummy", "chicken", "yucky", "diaper", "night-night", "belly", "nose", and a few others I'm sure I'm forgetting. He knows all the names of our immediate family (aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc.), and a few of our close friends that he has started to see regularly.
He LOVES to give and receive affection, which we learned in our training could be very difficult for some newly adopted children. He wants to be held, cuddled, tickled and kissed all the time. In fact, some of our sweetest moments so far have been at church. During the adoption process, I would sit in our usual pew at church and long for the Sunday that he would be in our arms to sing with us. I can remember, on several occasions, being moved almost to tears at the realization that he was on the other side of the world, but several times God whispered that I would hold him in that very spot as we all worshipped together. So now, we stand in our usual spot and hear the same songs that spoke of God's faithfulness, songs that held us together as we clung to His promise that He would set the lonely in families. We stand on the same spot of carpet, by the same chairs, singing the same songs, but now, I hold in my arms God's faithfulness. I get to literally cradle His promise to us. It is overwhelming to stand there, with Little Man in my arms, singing of His faithfulness, while Little Man puts his tiny hands on my face and tries to sneak in kisses.
The Lord has been so faithful to fulfill His promises to us, we can't help but rejoice at His love.
As we get to know Little Man better (which has been a fun journey- it is very different from a newborn who doesn't already have years of experiences and preferences and likes and dislikes), we see more and more of his physical conditions. We are seeing challenges just related to being in the orphanage for so long that make every day life different for us. For example, he does not know how to chew. We have managed to teach him how to move his jaw, but it is difficult to explain to a 3 year old with minimal language understanding how to use your teeth to grind food. So choking is something we have to watch for very carefully. He wants to eat solid foods like his sister, so we allow it, but it is something we have to be very careful about since he swallows everything whole. (Of course, we do give him as much pureed food as he will take, but mostly he wants solids- especially macaroni!)
We have been very open with explaining to people that Little Man was born with conditions called spina bifida and hydrocephaly. If you don't know what that is, or to help the next few paragraphs make sense, here are two quick explanations:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Ii_v3t9hpU
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ouMi5z1vwbE
Today has been a little more difficult for me than any of the other days so far, I think because tomorrow will be his first specialist doctor's appointment. Up until now, we haven't had to accept what a specialist has to say about his potential to walk, but tomorrow, I know that is coming. Honestly, I don't know if I am ready to hear the truth. I was venting to a friend last night and said that most pregnant mothers, if told something would be "wrong" with their babies would spend the next months praying and anxious to prove the doctors wrong at the babies' births. For me, the adoption was the same. I have spent so much time begging God to heal Little Man's legs, and I had no reason to believe He wouldn't. Don't get me wrong, of course we looked at his file intently and decided over a year ago, that regardless of whether God would heal him or not, he was absolutely our son and we would love him no matter what his level of functioning would be. As I have prayed over the past year, I knew that God may choose to not heal him, and I have accepted that.
BUT all that being said, when we finally got to spend hours, days, and weeks with our child, the reality of his disabilities became much more evident and real. (If that makes any sense at all.) It is becoming easier to see, to some extent, what is related to delay from the orphanage and what is a physical issue.
From what we can tell, he has no feeling below his knees. He does have a small reflex in each knee, but neither foot. His little knees and ankles are contracted from years of not being used and worked with. His knees do have some movement, they just don't straighten completely. His feet have almost no movement though. All of that means that he has no control of his muscles below his knees, so he can't move his lower legs or feet on his own, but even when I move his knees or ankles, they do not have the full range of motion that an average, healthy person has.
None of those things stop him from wanting to try everything his sister does, but it does sting my mama's heart to know that, currently, this is his reality.
We were at a church event this weekend that had bouncy houses. He pointed to them after watching Baby Girl jump for some time. I know he wanted to get in, but at that point, there were too many kids, most much older than him, and he would have been hurt. I walked away with him to find something else to do, secretly wondering if he would ever jump in one.
~
I know that all of this may sound ridiculous to many people. I'm sure many are thinking, "Well, you signed up for this!" "There is no reason this should be difficult because you walked into this journey with your eyes wide open."
And all of that is true.
We did "sign up for this", in the sense that we chose Little Man, specifically. We didn't just accept someone's recommendation of him. We specifically sought him out.
We did walk into this with our eyes wide open. We had access to every bit of his medical information before signing that we wanted to pursue him.
But none of that excludes us from the grieving process as we begin a new medical journey with him. Now, he is MY son. My little boy. And I never want to see him suffer. I don't want him to have to undergo the tests and scans that are scheduled for this week. I don't want him to have the future surgeries we know will happen. I don't want him to have to pull himself across the floor with his arms. I want him to walk. I want him to run and play. I want him to jump in every bouncy house he sees.
It is an odd place to be, this balance between falling deeply in love with your child, and still grieving the medical difficulties you see for the future. I certainly didn't expect these emotions. I also thought I had come to terms with all of the emotions related to having a son that will have physical challenges. But now that he is home, it is real. And the grief is a part of that.
Please don't misunderstand. I wouldn't do anything differently. Little Man has been our son since we first saw his picture, and in our hearts, even longer. We love him as much as we love our biological Baby Girl, just as if he had been born to us. But it is difficult to not be a little sad wondering what his future will look like in terms of mobility.
~
Thankfully, I know that the same Sovereign God who provided a way for Little Man to come home, is the same One who sees his every need. We serve a mighty God, who is ALWAYS victorious. He is victorious in life, and victorious in death. So we know that He alone has the victory in everything between.
I have hope in the risen Savior. And I know that this Savior takes great delight in telling the lame to take up his mat and walk.
I also know that this Savior sits on His holy throne, regardless of whether He chooses to heal or not.
Therefore, I know the victory is His.
The victory will be His in a wheelchair. Or the victory will be His in a bouncy house.
~
So as we begin the medical phase of this journey as a family, I ask that you continue to keep us in your prayers. I ask that you pray for Little Man's heart to be calm and trusting of us (which is a lot to ask so soon after coming home) as he is put to sleep for various tests. I ask that you pray for our hearts to cling to the hope that is in Christ Jesus alone, not in a doctor's opinion. I ask that if this week we weep because science and biology say the odds are against us, you remind us that the victory is already won.
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
Two weeks home
Well, I had every intention of blogging each day that we were in country, and updating frequently after we arrived home. Obviously, that didn't happen.
So I guess I should start with where I left off. Our first two days in country were awesome! We landed on a Saturday and spent some time exploring with a friend of ours, and had every intention of meeting up with them again Sunday morning, but we woke up and realized it was already 1:00 in the afternoon. Jet lag, y'all. It is intense.
Several friends donated money to purchase donations for the orphanage, so we stocked up at the local store, with the help of our friends. I could feel the judgmental glances as we checked out huge cart-fulls of toys, while only having one child with us. I'm sure we fit the American stereotype in that moment. ;)
Sunday night was weird. I set up Little Man's playpen and organized all of the toys for the orphanage. It was entirely bizarre to think he would be with us again in just a few hours. It was strange to think our lives were about to completely change...
Since I would probably be the most interested in what a Gotcha Day looks like, I'll try to spell out most of the details here. ;)
Monday morning, the driver and our translator met us at 7 am, helped us load all the toys into the van, waited patiently when we remembered we had left the driver's payment in the room, and then we were off! Since the jet lag was still wrecking havoc on our ability to stay awake, the drive to the orphanage is still kind of a blur. Baby Girl slept the entire drive (maybe and hour and a half), while the hubs and I took dozens of pictures of the gorgeous sunflower fields along the way. I had a few moments of fear when I would look out the window and realize we were on the edge of a mountain, with only a couple feet between us and tumbling off the side. Seriously, it was a guardrail, then a straight drop off. Our driver was nice, but not as talkative as the driver from our first trip, and he also liked to play a rousing game of "chicken" with oncoming 18-wheelers as he passed cars on two-lane streets.
I tried to focus on the sunflowers.
We started to see signs for Little Man's town and knew we were getting closer. The knots in our stomachs at this point were unreal. The driver pulled up to one building and kept looking from his paper with the address back to the building, while the hubs and I kept shaking our heads, "Nope. Nope. This isn't it." After a few turns, we recognized the orphanage gates immediately. For the first time ever, we saw other children. There were maybe 10-20 kids playing outside on the swings and slides, nannies watching them and us simultaneously. Little Man's nanny was standing outside and shook our hands. I could tell something was wrong, and I wondered if her heart was breaking a little at the thought of letting Little Man leave with us. We saw on the first trip that they clearly have a very strong bond.
Children ran up to us and tugged on our clothes. We tried to touch their hands and smile at them as much as possible. The language barrier was immensely frustrating at this point. I knew Little Man was getting a family in just a few minutes, but I was aching to spare a few minutes, sit on the front steps and hug and whisper loving words to the orphans who would be left behind. Possibly forever.
We were ushered into the director's office, where we met her several months ago. We told her (through the translator) about the donation of toys in the van. We had brought along a gift for her and Little Man's special nanny also. They asked for the clothes to dress Little Man in, since the clothes belonging to the orphanage must stay there. The hubby was asked to go help unload the toys, but they sent him back into the little room with us when they realized Little Man was almost ready. The director had a few pictures of him from the past. What a precious, priceless gift for a mama who has no other baby pictures of her only son. One picture of him as a baby and his nanny, and a couple from his birthday last year. (I was thrilled to know that his life was celebrated in our absence! We asked our agency for Little Man's file on his birthday last year- of course, we didn't know it was his birthday at the time. I don't have words to describe how touching it is to have a picture of what your little boy was doing at the exact time you found him. Indescribable.)
We heard him crying in the hallway and then finally got a glimpse of him coming into the room with his nanny. We could tell he was very anxious, but recognized us and called us by name. We handed him small toys in hopes of calming his fears, but when his nanny tried to hand him to me, the screams broke out. I think he knew that everything was about to change, although I'm not sure he knew exactly what was happening. His nanny tried to help him with toys and our picture book, but when he kept begging for her, she excused herself from the room. Of course, that made him more hysterical, so the director motioned for me to let her hold him. She carried Little Man into the hall to find his beloved nanny. When they all walked back in, she was wiping her own tears too.
Since the director needed to have some paperwork done on the donations, we all walked out to the front yard where some of the other children were playing, hoping that it would help Little Man relax. He didn't. He cried the entire time. So did his nanny, who has been his "mama" since his first day at the orphanage. I remembered I had brought pictures of the two of them together for her, so I dug them out of the backpack and handed them to her. She was very obviously touched. I instructed the translator to tell her that we will always tell Little Man of her love and kindness, and that we will keep the same pictures of her for him to remember.
There were so many little children toddling around the playground, each one beautiful. One little boy (who I recognized- I can't figure out where I have seen his picture though), walked right up to us, reached his arms up and called, "Mama! Daddy!"
I don't think there is any way to describe the intensity of that moment.
How do you get in the car, drive away from these faces you have cupped and memorized, and know that probably, no Mama and Daddy will ever come for them?
...
Before we knew it, it was time to leave. We were there maybe 20-30 minutes total. Little Man went unwillingly into his car seat next to his daddy, while Baby Girl asked why he was crying so much. I think he was told that his nanny was coming too, and he was quickly realizing that wasn't happening. As the last one in the car, I shook the director's hand, and then the nanny stuck hers out to shake too. I did quickly, then opened my arms to hug her. She squeezed me tightly and I could feel her body shaking from the sobs.
Adoption ALWAYS comes from a place of loss. Children don't live in orphanages because their lives prior have been unicorns and rainbows. In adoption training, we are continuously reminded to remember that as beautiful as it is to watch a new family be born, we must remember that the other side of that coin is always loss. Little Man has now experienced two losses: the circumstances that brought him to the orphanage in the first place, and leaving his nanny. We weren't there the first time, but being present as he grieved this woman he has called "mama", is a permanent reminder of the pain that is the beginning of the glorious unfolding in adoption.
He cried for a while in the car, before eventually realizing that his Daddy's goofy attempts to make him smile weren't likely to end soon. ;)
We drove back to the city, stopped to have his physical (nothing says "welcome to the family" like immediately having blood work drawn), and went back to the hotel. There was a little bit of time where the Hubs and I exchanged glances of, "Ok, now what?" But the kids started playing and giggling, and we somehow slowly, and yet immediately, became a family of four.
...
Maybe one of these days, I'll be able to write out the rest of our experiences in Little Man's first country. I will say that it was probably one of the best weeks of our lives, other than when Little Man decided to stop eating- that was not fun. We loved being there. The people were so kind and the country is beautiful. And can I mention what it's like to dry your hair and not have humidity?!?! ;) I'm sure the Hubs has already researched how to get their version of orange Fanta delivered to our house. Yes, it was that much better than what we have here.
Now we move on to settling in and starting our new life. Little Man is adjusting beautifully, all things considered. We were prepared from all of our training to experience a LOT of attachment issues and such, but Little Man is doing remarkably well. He is still timid around new people (which is actually a very healthy attachment quality), and gets overwhelmed with lots of noise, so we are learning how to best avoid those situations and comfort him when we cannot. He does like to give high-fives, so if you see us out and about, feel free to ask for one, but please try to refrain from hugging or rubbing his back. It is still too much for him to handle at this point. He will probably yell and swat at you. ;)
We have been to our pediatrician (who is AWESOME), and already have appointments to see some specialists about his spina bifida. We are hoping to fill in some of the gaps in his medical information in the coming weeks. We have to start at the beginning, in many ways, to learn exactly what his spine looks like and what further treatment is necessary. I have a feeling surgery is in our near future to correct some issues I see, but we know the medical teams will have more answers for us.
We appreciate your continued prayers as we learn how to parent TWO wonderful children, and also for healing in Little Man's little body. We don't know what the specialists will say, but we are praying that the LORD will allow him to walk one day.
So I guess I should start with where I left off. Our first two days in country were awesome! We landed on a Saturday and spent some time exploring with a friend of ours, and had every intention of meeting up with them again Sunday morning, but we woke up and realized it was already 1:00 in the afternoon. Jet lag, y'all. It is intense.
Several friends donated money to purchase donations for the orphanage, so we stocked up at the local store, with the help of our friends. I could feel the judgmental glances as we checked out huge cart-fulls of toys, while only having one child with us. I'm sure we fit the American stereotype in that moment. ;)
Sunday night was weird. I set up Little Man's playpen and organized all of the toys for the orphanage. It was entirely bizarre to think he would be with us again in just a few hours. It was strange to think our lives were about to completely change...
Since I would probably be the most interested in what a Gotcha Day looks like, I'll try to spell out most of the details here. ;)
Monday morning, the driver and our translator met us at 7 am, helped us load all the toys into the van, waited patiently when we remembered we had left the driver's payment in the room, and then we were off! Since the jet lag was still wrecking havoc on our ability to stay awake, the drive to the orphanage is still kind of a blur. Baby Girl slept the entire drive (maybe and hour and a half), while the hubs and I took dozens of pictures of the gorgeous sunflower fields along the way. I had a few moments of fear when I would look out the window and realize we were on the edge of a mountain, with only a couple feet between us and tumbling off the side. Seriously, it was a guardrail, then a straight drop off. Our driver was nice, but not as talkative as the driver from our first trip, and he also liked to play a rousing game of "chicken" with oncoming 18-wheelers as he passed cars on two-lane streets.
I tried to focus on the sunflowers.
We started to see signs for Little Man's town and knew we were getting closer. The knots in our stomachs at this point were unreal. The driver pulled up to one building and kept looking from his paper with the address back to the building, while the hubs and I kept shaking our heads, "Nope. Nope. This isn't it." After a few turns, we recognized the orphanage gates immediately. For the first time ever, we saw other children. There were maybe 10-20 kids playing outside on the swings and slides, nannies watching them and us simultaneously. Little Man's nanny was standing outside and shook our hands. I could tell something was wrong, and I wondered if her heart was breaking a little at the thought of letting Little Man leave with us. We saw on the first trip that they clearly have a very strong bond.
Children ran up to us and tugged on our clothes. We tried to touch their hands and smile at them as much as possible. The language barrier was immensely frustrating at this point. I knew Little Man was getting a family in just a few minutes, but I was aching to spare a few minutes, sit on the front steps and hug and whisper loving words to the orphans who would be left behind. Possibly forever.
We were ushered into the director's office, where we met her several months ago. We told her (through the translator) about the donation of toys in the van. We had brought along a gift for her and Little Man's special nanny also. They asked for the clothes to dress Little Man in, since the clothes belonging to the orphanage must stay there. The hubby was asked to go help unload the toys, but they sent him back into the little room with us when they realized Little Man was almost ready. The director had a few pictures of him from the past. What a precious, priceless gift for a mama who has no other baby pictures of her only son. One picture of him as a baby and his nanny, and a couple from his birthday last year. (I was thrilled to know that his life was celebrated in our absence! We asked our agency for Little Man's file on his birthday last year- of course, we didn't know it was his birthday at the time. I don't have words to describe how touching it is to have a picture of what your little boy was doing at the exact time you found him. Indescribable.)
We heard him crying in the hallway and then finally got a glimpse of him coming into the room with his nanny. We could tell he was very anxious, but recognized us and called us by name. We handed him small toys in hopes of calming his fears, but when his nanny tried to hand him to me, the screams broke out. I think he knew that everything was about to change, although I'm not sure he knew exactly what was happening. His nanny tried to help him with toys and our picture book, but when he kept begging for her, she excused herself from the room. Of course, that made him more hysterical, so the director motioned for me to let her hold him. She carried Little Man into the hall to find his beloved nanny. When they all walked back in, she was wiping her own tears too.
Since the director needed to have some paperwork done on the donations, we all walked out to the front yard where some of the other children were playing, hoping that it would help Little Man relax. He didn't. He cried the entire time. So did his nanny, who has been his "mama" since his first day at the orphanage. I remembered I had brought pictures of the two of them together for her, so I dug them out of the backpack and handed them to her. She was very obviously touched. I instructed the translator to tell her that we will always tell Little Man of her love and kindness, and that we will keep the same pictures of her for him to remember.
There were so many little children toddling around the playground, each one beautiful. One little boy (who I recognized- I can't figure out where I have seen his picture though), walked right up to us, reached his arms up and called, "Mama! Daddy!"
I don't think there is any way to describe the intensity of that moment.
How do you get in the car, drive away from these faces you have cupped and memorized, and know that probably, no Mama and Daddy will ever come for them?
...
Before we knew it, it was time to leave. We were there maybe 20-30 minutes total. Little Man went unwillingly into his car seat next to his daddy, while Baby Girl asked why he was crying so much. I think he was told that his nanny was coming too, and he was quickly realizing that wasn't happening. As the last one in the car, I shook the director's hand, and then the nanny stuck hers out to shake too. I did quickly, then opened my arms to hug her. She squeezed me tightly and I could feel her body shaking from the sobs.
Adoption ALWAYS comes from a place of loss. Children don't live in orphanages because their lives prior have been unicorns and rainbows. In adoption training, we are continuously reminded to remember that as beautiful as it is to watch a new family be born, we must remember that the other side of that coin is always loss. Little Man has now experienced two losses: the circumstances that brought him to the orphanage in the first place, and leaving his nanny. We weren't there the first time, but being present as he grieved this woman he has called "mama", is a permanent reminder of the pain that is the beginning of the glorious unfolding in adoption.
He cried for a while in the car, before eventually realizing that his Daddy's goofy attempts to make him smile weren't likely to end soon. ;)
We drove back to the city, stopped to have his physical (nothing says "welcome to the family" like immediately having blood work drawn), and went back to the hotel. There was a little bit of time where the Hubs and I exchanged glances of, "Ok, now what?" But the kids started playing and giggling, and we somehow slowly, and yet immediately, became a family of four.
...
Maybe one of these days, I'll be able to write out the rest of our experiences in Little Man's first country. I will say that it was probably one of the best weeks of our lives, other than when Little Man decided to stop eating- that was not fun. We loved being there. The people were so kind and the country is beautiful. And can I mention what it's like to dry your hair and not have humidity?!?! ;) I'm sure the Hubs has already researched how to get their version of orange Fanta delivered to our house. Yes, it was that much better than what we have here.
Now we move on to settling in and starting our new life. Little Man is adjusting beautifully, all things considered. We were prepared from all of our training to experience a LOT of attachment issues and such, but Little Man is doing remarkably well. He is still timid around new people (which is actually a very healthy attachment quality), and gets overwhelmed with lots of noise, so we are learning how to best avoid those situations and comfort him when we cannot. He does like to give high-fives, so if you see us out and about, feel free to ask for one, but please try to refrain from hugging or rubbing his back. It is still too much for him to handle at this point. He will probably yell and swat at you. ;)
We have been to our pediatrician (who is AWESOME), and already have appointments to see some specialists about his spina bifida. We are hoping to fill in some of the gaps in his medical information in the coming weeks. We have to start at the beginning, in many ways, to learn exactly what his spine looks like and what further treatment is necessary. I have a feeling surgery is in our near future to correct some issues I see, but we know the medical teams will have more answers for us.
We appreciate your continued prayers as we learn how to parent TWO wonderful children, and also for healing in Little Man's little body. We don't know what the specialists will say, but we are praying that the LORD will allow him to walk one day.
Saturday, August 16, 2014
Day 1
Good morning! Or good evening...I'm not entirely sure which time zone I am addressing. ;) Welcome to the musings of my sleep-deprived brain which is also functioning under a recent dose of Benadryl (I will beat jet lag this trip!)...hopefully that kicks in soon. It is 5:15 am here and I thought I should attempt to write about our first day before it all becomes a distant memory.
We landed in the Capitol city around 1:30 pm, after a mostly uneventful trip here. We did somehow leave the airport on our 9 hour flight on time and still land an hour late. I'm not entirely sure how that even happens, but it did force us to sprint to the last leg of our trip. That was fun. Especially after already being awake for almost 24 hours at that point. Also, on a completely unrelated note, I am WAY out of shape!
We met our driver at the airport and the Hubs got to practice a little of his new language skills. (he has an unbelievable knack for this language!). We got to the hotel, which is HUGE. Seriously, our room/apartment is slightly larger than our first house we had when we got married. That will be a wonderful thing as we bring Little Man here in 24 hours (Wow!) . Having so much space is a blessing with two curious toddlers.
Right after we got to our room, there was time for a quick shower and then our sweet missionary friend arrived to show us around and help us find a bookstore to buy some things for the orphanage. We spent the afternoon wandering around, getting our bearings and carrying Baby Girl in the hot sun, as she is exhausted from the trip.
It was wonderful to talk to our friend about some of their adventures in working with the Roma people. It was heartbreaking to see so many beggars on the streets, but as we passed each one, she stopped and greeted every person. By NAME. The hands and feet of Jesus, y'all. After grabbing a quick dinner when Baby Girl woke up from her nap (must be nice to be carried around while you sleep!), we stopped at the local grocery store to load up on water and snacks to keep in our room. (We found a Dunkin Donuts right across the street from a local pizza shop- I believe we have spotted breakfast and lunch for tomorrow/today!) The pizza here is phenomenal- we've been looking forward
to having more of it since we left 5 and a half months ago.
Then we got to spend some time at our friends' apartment and hang out with their young boys while they talked missions with another family in town. It has been so encouraging to be able to come to a new country, see faces we know, hear the language we understand, and be able to fellowship with friends who understand what this week is for us! The Lord has certainly provided for us in ways we didn't even know we needed provision.
After that, it was time to come "home" and crash. We all slept soundly (at least until Baby Girl and I woke up a few hours ago.).
We hope to make it to church in a few hours, but depending on when this Benadryl kicks in, we may just sleep in and unpack some.
We could use prayers for the following:
- little Man's heart to be prepared for us, and our hearts for him. We are hoping for an easy bonding process and for the right tools as we comfort him in grieving the loss of his current life.
- that we can find all of the things we hoped to be able to donate to the orphanage and staff. We don't want to waste this opportunity to show Christ's love to all of the people He has made.
- that The Lord will guide our decisions in how we begin to parent two children. (For example, the planner in me is slightly stressed at trying to figure out where we will all sleep the first night. We won't have a crib until Wednesday, but we get him Monday. Pray The Lord works that out. Do we all pile into the same bed, leave the kiddos in one room together (Baby girl started in her own bed, but wound up in ours). It all sounds silly, but each decision can be a big deal in how he learns to trust us.)
Thank you all for your prayers. Now that the emotional numbness that comes with extreme physical exhaustion has started to fade, I find myself becoming incrediably excited, but also just as nervous with all the changes coming TOMORROW. :)
We landed in the Capitol city around 1:30 pm, after a mostly uneventful trip here. We did somehow leave the airport on our 9 hour flight on time and still land an hour late. I'm not entirely sure how that even happens, but it did force us to sprint to the last leg of our trip. That was fun. Especially after already being awake for almost 24 hours at that point. Also, on a completely unrelated note, I am WAY out of shape!
We met our driver at the airport and the Hubs got to practice a little of his new language skills. (he has an unbelievable knack for this language!). We got to the hotel, which is HUGE. Seriously, our room/apartment is slightly larger than our first house we had when we got married. That will be a wonderful thing as we bring Little Man here in 24 hours (Wow!) . Having so much space is a blessing with two curious toddlers.
Right after we got to our room, there was time for a quick shower and then our sweet missionary friend arrived to show us around and help us find a bookstore to buy some things for the orphanage. We spent the afternoon wandering around, getting our bearings and carrying Baby Girl in the hot sun, as she is exhausted from the trip.
It was wonderful to talk to our friend about some of their adventures in working with the Roma people. It was heartbreaking to see so many beggars on the streets, but as we passed each one, she stopped and greeted every person. By NAME. The hands and feet of Jesus, y'all. After grabbing a quick dinner when Baby Girl woke up from her nap (must be nice to be carried around while you sleep!), we stopped at the local grocery store to load up on water and snacks to keep in our room. (We found a Dunkin Donuts right across the street from a local pizza shop- I believe we have spotted breakfast and lunch for tomorrow/today!) The pizza here is phenomenal- we've been looking forward
to having more of it since we left 5 and a half months ago.
Then we got to spend some time at our friends' apartment and hang out with their young boys while they talked missions with another family in town. It has been so encouraging to be able to come to a new country, see faces we know, hear the language we understand, and be able to fellowship with friends who understand what this week is for us! The Lord has certainly provided for us in ways we didn't even know we needed provision.
After that, it was time to come "home" and crash. We all slept soundly (at least until Baby Girl and I woke up a few hours ago.).
We hope to make it to church in a few hours, but depending on when this Benadryl kicks in, we may just sleep in and unpack some.
We could use prayers for the following:
- little Man's heart to be prepared for us, and our hearts for him. We are hoping for an easy bonding process and for the right tools as we comfort him in grieving the loss of his current life.
- that we can find all of the things we hoped to be able to donate to the orphanage and staff. We don't want to waste this opportunity to show Christ's love to all of the people He has made.
- that The Lord will guide our decisions in how we begin to parent two children. (For example, the planner in me is slightly stressed at trying to figure out where we will all sleep the first night. We won't have a crib until Wednesday, but we get him Monday. Pray The Lord works that out. Do we all pile into the same bed, leave the kiddos in one room together (Baby girl started in her own bed, but wound up in ours). It all sounds silly, but each decision can be a big deal in how he learns to trust us.)
Thank you all for your prayers. Now that the emotional numbness that comes with extreme physical exhaustion has started to fade, I find myself becoming incrediably excited, but also just as nervous with all the changes coming TOMORROW. :)
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
Preparing our Hearts
We are counting down the DAYS until we leave to go get Little Man. Baby Girl has started saying we are going to "bust him out", and in many ways that's exactly how it feels. He has been a prisoner in his crib for far too long.
Preparations look similar to planning for any trip. There are clothes to wash, rooms to organize, clean sheets to put on beds (a MANDATORY part of my checklist on every trip- nothing like coming home to your own, clean bed!), and toys to pack. I am enjoying packing for FOUR for the first time though!
In addition to packing material things, Hubby and I are working on packing our hearts full of the tools we will need to parent this little boy and thrive on this first trip. If you are my friend on Facebook, you have likely seen the many articles I have been posting about the importance of attachment and bonding for children who have never truly received love. It is overwhelming to think of all the developmental things a child has missed from not being in a family. For instance, did you know that your sense of balance is partially developed from the rocking and bouncing you receive from your mother as a fussy infant? Things like cars and swings could be a major issue for you if all you have ever known is lying on your back in a crib. Imagine then the depth perception and visual stimuli you have as you learn to sit up and play. And imagine the lack of it, if you stared only at a white ceiling in your first months and years.
Now, we don't know exactly what Little Man's experience was as a baby. We saw clearly that his nanny cared deeply for him, but realistically, even with the most caring nanny, a room full of abandoned babies cannot possibly have all of their needs met with one or two people. And trust can only build so much when your primary caregiver works on a shift schedule. Moms and Dads were designed to be constant in a child's life. We will spend the first weeks and months spending time alone with Little Man so he can learn that we will never leave him.
In planning our trip, Hubby and I are preparing ourselves for a very rough few weeks. I have not read one pick-up story in which the child adjusted immediately to his new family. Most children spend days, weeks, months or even years crying, biting themselves or others, rocking, pulling their own hair out, inducing vomiting, beating their heads agains the floor, etc. (I am simply writing this to be honest with those who are planning to walk with us through this new phase in our family's life.) These are children with broken souls. They are coming from hard places.
Try to imagine being a child young enough that you can be physically carried (likely against your will) away from the only building and faces you have ever known. These new people speak calmly towards you, but you can't understand what they are saying. They smell funny. Everything they eat is weird. They put you in a car (maybe for the first time ever) and drive you to another building, only to have some person in a white coat hurt your arm with a shiny stick. Then red stuff pours out of you. You get to a new place with a big bed and a crib. You've never sat in water that reaches your tummy- you've only ever been squirted with cold water from a shower head. Somehow you are supposed to now go to sleep in your new crib with these weird blankets and pillows. Then just as you are starting to adjust, they put you on a spaceship and fly you around the world to another new place where EVERYONE talks funny and looks different.
The fear of being abandoned again by these new parents is a reality for these kids. Everything they've ever known has been torn away, who is to say it won't happen again?
Yes, in preparing for our trip, we are storing up the tools we will need to begin to help heal the hurt in his little heart. We are trying to cram in as much time as a couple to focus, pray and strengthen our own relationship, as it will be tried in ways we have never known. We have spent hours with Baby Girl, playing, laughing and talking with her about how much she is loved. This will be a difficult trial for her as well.
So why would we do this anyway? I mean, who in his right mind would INTENTIONALLY put his family under this stress and indefinite chaos?
I have many different ways I can answer that question. But the one that I can't ignore is: JESUS. Jesus would put Himself in harm's way to heal the brokenness of a hurting soul. He would give it all. For me. He saw me alone, wallowing in my own filth, a prisoner in my own crib of sin. And He came for me.
He came for me.
And we can't sit in our freedom from bondage, after being given more love than we can contain ourselves and NOT go back for those who haven't seen His face.
We have to go back for him. He's ours. He is spoken for. We DELIGHT in calling him our child.
The Father has filled our hearts with His promises and we know that following Him is not always easy, but we can testify from our own lives, that following Him is always the most joyful. He sees so much more than we can, and we KNOW that He has made us a family. So if the journey of becoming a family is even harder than the waiting, we can be certain of His great love for His children, and therefore, know He is still worthy of our adoration. And if the bonding process is painless, we will praise Him just the same (although more well-rested than the alternative, I'm sure!).
But let's face it, having two toddlers only 6 weeks apart in age is going to be a storm all on its own! ;)
And so we prepare. We prepare physically by packing (the OCD in me is loving all the lists I have scattered around the house!). We prepare emotionally as our relationships with each other will be different forever after adding another child. We prepare to say goodbye to our friends and family for some time as we pour into Little Man. And we prepare spiritually by studying, worshipping and memorizing the promises He has given us.
If you would like some resources to see how you can best support adoptive families, here are some great places to start:
http://www.child.tcu.edu/Book/The%20Connected%20Child%20Chapter%20Four.pdf
http://mercyfoundministries.com/blog/three-best-things-for-attachment/
http://copperlightwood.com/2014/04/upside-down-part-two.html
And as always, we appreciate your prayers as we start this new part of the journey. Please specifically pray for Little Man's heart to be prepared for us, and our hearts for him.
Preparations look similar to planning for any trip. There are clothes to wash, rooms to organize, clean sheets to put on beds (a MANDATORY part of my checklist on every trip- nothing like coming home to your own, clean bed!), and toys to pack. I am enjoying packing for FOUR for the first time though!
In addition to packing material things, Hubby and I are working on packing our hearts full of the tools we will need to parent this little boy and thrive on this first trip. If you are my friend on Facebook, you have likely seen the many articles I have been posting about the importance of attachment and bonding for children who have never truly received love. It is overwhelming to think of all the developmental things a child has missed from not being in a family. For instance, did you know that your sense of balance is partially developed from the rocking and bouncing you receive from your mother as a fussy infant? Things like cars and swings could be a major issue for you if all you have ever known is lying on your back in a crib. Imagine then the depth perception and visual stimuli you have as you learn to sit up and play. And imagine the lack of it, if you stared only at a white ceiling in your first months and years.
Now, we don't know exactly what Little Man's experience was as a baby. We saw clearly that his nanny cared deeply for him, but realistically, even with the most caring nanny, a room full of abandoned babies cannot possibly have all of their needs met with one or two people. And trust can only build so much when your primary caregiver works on a shift schedule. Moms and Dads were designed to be constant in a child's life. We will spend the first weeks and months spending time alone with Little Man so he can learn that we will never leave him.
In planning our trip, Hubby and I are preparing ourselves for a very rough few weeks. I have not read one pick-up story in which the child adjusted immediately to his new family. Most children spend days, weeks, months or even years crying, biting themselves or others, rocking, pulling their own hair out, inducing vomiting, beating their heads agains the floor, etc. (I am simply writing this to be honest with those who are planning to walk with us through this new phase in our family's life.) These are children with broken souls. They are coming from hard places.
Try to imagine being a child young enough that you can be physically carried (likely against your will) away from the only building and faces you have ever known. These new people speak calmly towards you, but you can't understand what they are saying. They smell funny. Everything they eat is weird. They put you in a car (maybe for the first time ever) and drive you to another building, only to have some person in a white coat hurt your arm with a shiny stick. Then red stuff pours out of you. You get to a new place with a big bed and a crib. You've never sat in water that reaches your tummy- you've only ever been squirted with cold water from a shower head. Somehow you are supposed to now go to sleep in your new crib with these weird blankets and pillows. Then just as you are starting to adjust, they put you on a spaceship and fly you around the world to another new place where EVERYONE talks funny and looks different.
The fear of being abandoned again by these new parents is a reality for these kids. Everything they've ever known has been torn away, who is to say it won't happen again?
Yes, in preparing for our trip, we are storing up the tools we will need to begin to help heal the hurt in his little heart. We are trying to cram in as much time as a couple to focus, pray and strengthen our own relationship, as it will be tried in ways we have never known. We have spent hours with Baby Girl, playing, laughing and talking with her about how much she is loved. This will be a difficult trial for her as well.
So why would we do this anyway? I mean, who in his right mind would INTENTIONALLY put his family under this stress and indefinite chaos?
I have many different ways I can answer that question. But the one that I can't ignore is: JESUS. Jesus would put Himself in harm's way to heal the brokenness of a hurting soul. He would give it all. For me. He saw me alone, wallowing in my own filth, a prisoner in my own crib of sin. And He came for me.
He came for me.
And we can't sit in our freedom from bondage, after being given more love than we can contain ourselves and NOT go back for those who haven't seen His face.
We have to go back for him. He's ours. He is spoken for. We DELIGHT in calling him our child.
The Father has filled our hearts with His promises and we know that following Him is not always easy, but we can testify from our own lives, that following Him is always the most joyful. He sees so much more than we can, and we KNOW that He has made us a family. So if the journey of becoming a family is even harder than the waiting, we can be certain of His great love for His children, and therefore, know He is still worthy of our adoration. And if the bonding process is painless, we will praise Him just the same (although more well-rested than the alternative, I'm sure!).
But let's face it, having two toddlers only 6 weeks apart in age is going to be a storm all on its own! ;)
And so we prepare. We prepare physically by packing (the OCD in me is loving all the lists I have scattered around the house!). We prepare emotionally as our relationships with each other will be different forever after adding another child. We prepare to say goodbye to our friends and family for some time as we pour into Little Man. And we prepare spiritually by studying, worshipping and memorizing the promises He has given us.
If you would like some resources to see how you can best support adoptive families, here are some great places to start:
http://www.child.tcu.edu/Book/The%20Connected%20Child%20Chapter%20Four.pdf
http://mercyfoundministries.com/blog/three-best-things-for-attachment/
http://copperlightwood.com/2014/04/upside-down-part-two.html
And as always, we appreciate your prayers as we start this new part of the journey. Please specifically pray for Little Man's heart to be prepared for us, and our hearts for him.
Tuesday, July 29, 2014
The Waiting
Well it has been an incredibly long time since I have updated the blog. Don't get me wrong, there have been many things I have wanted to share, but our computer shut down on us a few months ago, and updating from a phone was difficult. :) Our brother had a computer that he no longer used and graciously let us have it. (Thanks, C! We love ya!)
In my last post, I shared the wonderful news that we had received Little Man's referral. Since then, we have traveled on trip 1, come home, filled out even more paperwork, waited, passed court and are now waiting eagerly to be given travel dates to return to bring him home forever! It has been a little over 3 weeks since we passed court and he legally became our son, so we are growing anxious as we are beyond ready to go get him!
Our first trip was amazing! We arrived at the orphanage with more emotions than can be described in words. We walked up the steps and were ushered into the director's office. There is a rule that says you may not take pictures or videos of your child until after you have met him/ her and signed forms stating that you do indeed want him/her. Apparently, it is common for families to make the trip and decide that they no longer want their child. When we sat down across from her, she informed our facilitator that she would not require us to sign before meeting Little Man. She knew we wanted him. She also said, "We have been waiting a long time for you to come to him." I couldn't help but smile and say, "Us too!" Seriously, you have NO idea how long we have waited!
They ushered us into a tiny room and we took our coats off expecting to wait for a while before they were able to get him from his room and bring him to us. As soon as we sat down, his precious nanny walked in with him. It is impossible to describe the emotions that hit you when you see your child for the first time. It is profoundly different than the feeling you experience when your child is born, just as glorious, but different. Here was the little boy whose pictures and videos we had memorized by heart. He was alive and right in front of us! There wasn't any time to process all of those different thoughts though, because he immediately pointed at the Hubby and screamed "DaDa!" There could not have been a more perfect introduction. In that moment, heaven kissed earth and Little Man was fatherless no more.
The rest of our visits were mostly what we expected. Little Man LOVED his daddy immediately and quickly bonded to me and Baby Girl. He got such a kick out of his new little sister. Since he is unable to walk or crawl efficiently, it was difficult for him to reach toys. He quickly learned that if he called his sister's name, she would run get a toy and bring it to him. And all he wanted to do was hug her, which of course, melted this mama's heart. It was as though he has been in our family all along.
~ ~ ~
Today, we wait eagerly for the email saying we have been invited back to Little Man's first country for Gotcha Day. We pulled Little Man's file last August, after already being in the adoption process for 5 months. So this pregnancy has now lasted 17 months! And I am ready to be done! We have had many friends become pregnant, give birth, and start raising their new children in the time we have waited just to be with Little Man. We want our little boy! He has spent enough time in that orphanage. As much as his nanny cares for him, it is time for him to have a family of his own.
For us, the waiting is a careful balance between waiting on the Lord's timing and also knowing that we are not fighting against flesh and blood in the red tape. If I had a dollar for every time I have been told, "Wait on God's timing" I could fund a second adoption. :) We absolutely trust and understand that the Lord's timing is perfect for Little Man's homecoming, but we also understand that not every delay in this world is His will, but simply events that He allows. His will is not for children to languish in orphanages. The wait is a delicate balance in praying for His will in Little Man's life, but also praying against things that the enemy uses to keep our son a prisoner in his crib.
Romans 8 has been a chapter to cling to in this process. Especially now in the waiting. I fully understand the groaning in crying "Abba, Father."
"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.
We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we are saved. But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will." Romans 8:18-27
As we wait for our adoption to be finalized in the Lord in eternity, we wait for CJ's adoption to begin in new life with us. At home.
In my last post, I shared the wonderful news that we had received Little Man's referral. Since then, we have traveled on trip 1, come home, filled out even more paperwork, waited, passed court and are now waiting eagerly to be given travel dates to return to bring him home forever! It has been a little over 3 weeks since we passed court and he legally became our son, so we are growing anxious as we are beyond ready to go get him!
Our first trip was amazing! We arrived at the orphanage with more emotions than can be described in words. We walked up the steps and were ushered into the director's office. There is a rule that says you may not take pictures or videos of your child until after you have met him/ her and signed forms stating that you do indeed want him/her. Apparently, it is common for families to make the trip and decide that they no longer want their child. When we sat down across from her, she informed our facilitator that she would not require us to sign before meeting Little Man. She knew we wanted him. She also said, "We have been waiting a long time for you to come to him." I couldn't help but smile and say, "Us too!" Seriously, you have NO idea how long we have waited!
They ushered us into a tiny room and we took our coats off expecting to wait for a while before they were able to get him from his room and bring him to us. As soon as we sat down, his precious nanny walked in with him. It is impossible to describe the emotions that hit you when you see your child for the first time. It is profoundly different than the feeling you experience when your child is born, just as glorious, but different. Here was the little boy whose pictures and videos we had memorized by heart. He was alive and right in front of us! There wasn't any time to process all of those different thoughts though, because he immediately pointed at the Hubby and screamed "DaDa!" There could not have been a more perfect introduction. In that moment, heaven kissed earth and Little Man was fatherless no more.
The rest of our visits were mostly what we expected. Little Man LOVED his daddy immediately and quickly bonded to me and Baby Girl. He got such a kick out of his new little sister. Since he is unable to walk or crawl efficiently, it was difficult for him to reach toys. He quickly learned that if he called his sister's name, she would run get a toy and bring it to him. And all he wanted to do was hug her, which of course, melted this mama's heart. It was as though he has been in our family all along.
~ ~ ~
Today, we wait eagerly for the email saying we have been invited back to Little Man's first country for Gotcha Day. We pulled Little Man's file last August, after already being in the adoption process for 5 months. So this pregnancy has now lasted 17 months! And I am ready to be done! We have had many friends become pregnant, give birth, and start raising their new children in the time we have waited just to be with Little Man. We want our little boy! He has spent enough time in that orphanage. As much as his nanny cares for him, it is time for him to have a family of his own.
For us, the waiting is a careful balance between waiting on the Lord's timing and also knowing that we are not fighting against flesh and blood in the red tape. If I had a dollar for every time I have been told, "Wait on God's timing" I could fund a second adoption. :) We absolutely trust and understand that the Lord's timing is perfect for Little Man's homecoming, but we also understand that not every delay in this world is His will, but simply events that He allows. His will is not for children to languish in orphanages. The wait is a delicate balance in praying for His will in Little Man's life, but also praying against things that the enemy uses to keep our son a prisoner in his crib.
Romans 8 has been a chapter to cling to in this process. Especially now in the waiting. I fully understand the groaning in crying "Abba, Father."
"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.
We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we are saved. But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will." Romans 8:18-27
As we wait for our adoption to be finalized in the Lord in eternity, we wait for CJ's adoption to begin in new life with us. At home.
Monday, February 10, 2014
The Referral!
A little over a week ago, we got the best email yet. We have Little Man's verbal referral! This means that our dossier made it to the big council meeting that matches orphans with families, and we were officially paired with him! One step closer to legally sharing a last name! I think all adoptive mama's have the "major" milestones in the process that they look forward to- the referral has always been mine. ...And passing court- that's coming soon though!
So what's next? We have his verbal referral, but we are still waiting on his written referral. The written referral is the paperwork side of being matched with him. We are hoping it comes with some pictures! We are also hoping for more medical and social updates, but really I just want to look into his little eyes again. :) Most families receive the written referral 2-4 weeks after verbal. So we are expecting it any day now. Also, with the written referral comes the adoption agency's (the agency in his country, not our's here) invitation to travel. Sooooo...we should hear any day now when we can board the plane! Exciting stuff!!!!
Adoption has taught me so many lessons. I don't even have enough paper to write down everything God has shown me in the last year and a half. I feel like a completely different person, and I'm so grateful that God allowed us to pursue adoption. I don't think I could have ever understood Him the way I do now without this process. And now I see a lot of areas that I fall WAY short. I have so much more to learn. The Father definitely used this experience to draw me closer to Him, but also to show me just how far my heart can be from Him and how much I desperately need Him. I thought it would be fun to draw up a little list of things I've learned- some about myself, some about life in general and some things that make me giggle. (In no particular order.)
1- I am in many ways much stronger than I thought I was, and at the same time significantly more tender than I thought. Adoption is HARD, but thankfully, His power is made perfect in my weakness.
2- It is possible for the human mind to be preoccupied with 80,000 things at one time. Of course, all women know this to be true, but it definitely becomes evident in adoption.
3- You can be completely in love with someone you've never met.
4- Jesus is Lord of everything. Absolutely everything is under His power. Even $30,000+ in adoption fees. Every cell in the broken body of a little boy on the other side of the world. Nothing is impossible for Him.
5- His grace is enough for me.
6- If I think I have mastered an area in my spiritual life, I'd better be on guard. Chances are, it's not as under control as I thought. Adoption has brought multiple circumstances to light that prove this to be true. And I struggle in more areas than I'd like to admit.
7- It is possible to experience every single human emotion. In one day. Multiple times.
8- Forgiveness is really hard.
9- You can become obsessed with checking your email and rationalize it by thinking, "Well maybe the agency has news, even though I was told it would be days/weeks from now." Or "It is ___ time in Little Man's country. Maybe the social worker is up forwarding emails to me at 3 am our time."
There must be a name for this condition. It's a problem. Really.
10- It is also possible to be so excited at the thought of meeting your child that you think you will jump out of your skin, and yet in such physical pain at the realization of being so far away that you can't breathe.
11- God is big enough to handle my fears of the unknown. And more than that, He promises to bind Himself to me so we can plow ahead together. The burden is much lighter when you share it with Someone who has such strong shoulders.
12- Acquiring wealth is not as important as I once thought. As it turns out, I think God would much rather we spend our time and money on loving others than storing up more than we know what to do with. There will always be bigger houses and cars, but people ALWAYS matter more. We spend a lot of our time dreaming about the future, but people are cold, hungry and abandoned right NOW. Our lives really do bear witness to whether we value human souls or belongings more.
13- God can use all kinds of things to draw people to Himself. And He's always waiting with open arms.
14- Knowing that your time of being a family of 3 has an upcoming expiration date is exciting and motivation to make sure those relationships are unshakable.
15- No matter what I'm doing, I'm consciously thinking about my little boy. And missing him more than I can say.
Well I guess that about sums up this post of random thoughts. :) More details will come when we hear something!
I'll leave you with this song. It has always been a favorite, but now I can't help but think of what I would say if Little Man and I were face to face.
"Three in the morning, and I'm still awake
So I pick up a pen and a page
And I started writing just what I'd say
If we were face to face
I'd tell you just what you mean to me
Tell you these simple truths
Be strong in the Lord
And never give up hope
You're gonna do great things
I already know
God's got His hand on you
So don't live life in fear"
...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8t9u-LOa3OI
So what's next? We have his verbal referral, but we are still waiting on his written referral. The written referral is the paperwork side of being matched with him. We are hoping it comes with some pictures! We are also hoping for more medical and social updates, but really I just want to look into his little eyes again. :) Most families receive the written referral 2-4 weeks after verbal. So we are expecting it any day now. Also, with the written referral comes the adoption agency's (the agency in his country, not our's here) invitation to travel. Sooooo...we should hear any day now when we can board the plane! Exciting stuff!!!!
Adoption has taught me so many lessons. I don't even have enough paper to write down everything God has shown me in the last year and a half. I feel like a completely different person, and I'm so grateful that God allowed us to pursue adoption. I don't think I could have ever understood Him the way I do now without this process. And now I see a lot of areas that I fall WAY short. I have so much more to learn. The Father definitely used this experience to draw me closer to Him, but also to show me just how far my heart can be from Him and how much I desperately need Him. I thought it would be fun to draw up a little list of things I've learned- some about myself, some about life in general and some things that make me giggle. (In no particular order.)
1- I am in many ways much stronger than I thought I was, and at the same time significantly more tender than I thought. Adoption is HARD, but thankfully, His power is made perfect in my weakness.
2- It is possible for the human mind to be preoccupied with 80,000 things at one time. Of course, all women know this to be true, but it definitely becomes evident in adoption.
3- You can be completely in love with someone you've never met.
4- Jesus is Lord of everything. Absolutely everything is under His power. Even $30,000+ in adoption fees. Every cell in the broken body of a little boy on the other side of the world. Nothing is impossible for Him.
5- His grace is enough for me.
6- If I think I have mastered an area in my spiritual life, I'd better be on guard. Chances are, it's not as under control as I thought. Adoption has brought multiple circumstances to light that prove this to be true. And I struggle in more areas than I'd like to admit.
7- It is possible to experience every single human emotion. In one day. Multiple times.
8- Forgiveness is really hard.
9- You can become obsessed with checking your email and rationalize it by thinking, "Well maybe the agency has news, even though I was told it would be days/weeks from now." Or "It is ___ time in Little Man's country. Maybe the social worker is up forwarding emails to me at 3 am our time."
There must be a name for this condition. It's a problem. Really.
10- It is also possible to be so excited at the thought of meeting your child that you think you will jump out of your skin, and yet in such physical pain at the realization of being so far away that you can't breathe.
11- God is big enough to handle my fears of the unknown. And more than that, He promises to bind Himself to me so we can plow ahead together. The burden is much lighter when you share it with Someone who has such strong shoulders.
12- Acquiring wealth is not as important as I once thought. As it turns out, I think God would much rather we spend our time and money on loving others than storing up more than we know what to do with. There will always be bigger houses and cars, but people ALWAYS matter more. We spend a lot of our time dreaming about the future, but people are cold, hungry and abandoned right NOW. Our lives really do bear witness to whether we value human souls or belongings more.
13- God can use all kinds of things to draw people to Himself. And He's always waiting with open arms.
14- Knowing that your time of being a family of 3 has an upcoming expiration date is exciting and motivation to make sure those relationships are unshakable.
15- No matter what I'm doing, I'm consciously thinking about my little boy. And missing him more than I can say.
Well I guess that about sums up this post of random thoughts. :) More details will come when we hear something!
I'll leave you with this song. It has always been a favorite, but now I can't help but think of what I would say if Little Man and I were face to face.
"Three in the morning, and I'm still awake
So I pick up a pen and a page
And I started writing just what I'd say
If we were face to face
I'd tell you just what you mean to me
Tell you these simple truths
Be strong in the Lord
And never give up hope
You're gonna do great things
I already know
God's got His hand on you
So don't live life in fear"
...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8t9u-LOa3OI
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Toes in the Water
Apparently I have been slacking in keeping this blog up-to-date! As of yesterday, our dossier is on its way to Little Man's country! (The dossier is the giant stack of paperwork that we have been working on over the last few months. It includes our home study, Immigration approval, background checks, and lots of other forms and records.) Now we are at a waiting phase. It should arrive by Thursday, spend around a week in translation, then take several days to get different approvals. After all of that is done, it will be submitted to the council that meets to "refer" children to adoptive families.
Many of you know we were originally planning to go the traditional route, which means we would wait for the country to select a relatively healthy child for us. But back in August, God showed us the face of a little boy on the waiting child list, which is a list of children who are older or have special needs and are more unlikely to be adopted. We knew instantly that he was the child God had planned for our family and we committed to him that week! So since we are already committed to a child, when our dossier gets to this big meeting in a few weeks, they will match us to him officially. This is called the "referral." We get more papers and declare, "YES we WANT him!" Then we get to travel to meet him for the first time!
To give you perspective on what our timeline would have been had we not committed to Little Man and we had gone the traditional route, families (waiting for mostly young, healthy kiddos) whose dossiers were submitted in 2010 and 2011 are just now receiving referrals!
It has been such a JOY to see how God has been so intimately involved in this entire process. He has grown us beyond what we thought was possible. One of the very tangible ways He has proven His faithfulness has been in the finances. I want to write out this post so you can share in our JOY at the great things He has done! (But be prepared, it's long.) :)
First, I want to show you a story that God used a year ago to prepare me for what was coming in this adoption. I was reading through Joshua when one detail stopped me in my tracks, one detail that I don't think I had ever paid attention to before.
So here is the setting: Moses had just died and God called Joshua to lead the Israelites into the Promised Land. The spies had gone into the land and Rahab hid them. The spies made their way back to the camp and told Joshua about their adventure. God told Joshua it was time to move- they were to cross the Jordan and soon march around the walls of Jericho.
~
Joshua 3:5-17
Joshua told the people, "Consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do amazing things among you."
Joshua said to the priests, "Take up the ark of the covenant and pass on ahead of the people." So they took it up and went ahead of them.
And the Lord said to Joshua, "Today I will begin to exalt you in the eyes of all Israel, so they may know that I am with you as I was with Moses. Tell the priests who carry the ark of the covenant: 'When you reach the edge of the Jordan's waters, go and stand in the river'."
Joshua said to the Israelites, "Come here and listen to the words of the Lord your God. This is how you will know that the living God is among you and that He will certainly drive out before you the Canaanites, the Hittites, Perizzites, Girgashites, Amorites and Jebusites. See, the ark of the covenant of the Lord all the earth will go into the Jordan ahead of you. Now then, chose twelve men from the tribes of Israel, one from each tribe. And as soon as the priests who carry the ark of the Lord- the Lord of all the earth-set foot in the Jordan, its waters flowing downstream will be cut off and stand up in a heap."
So when the people broke camp to cross the Jordan, the priests carrying the ark of the covenant went ahead of them. Now the Jordan is at flood stage all during harvest. Yet as soon as the priests who carried the ark reached the Jordan and their feet touched the water's edge, the water from upstream stopped flowing. It piled up in a heap a great distance away, at a town called Adam in the vicinity of Zarethan, while the water flowing down to the Sea of the Arabah (the Salt Sea) was completely cut off. So the people crossed over opposite Jericho. The priests who carried the ark of the covenant of the Lord stood firm on dry ground in the middle of the Jordan, while all Israel passed by until the whole nation had completed crossing on dry ground."
~
Ok, so now you've got the idea of what God had put in my heart right as He was calling us to follow His lead and apply for this adoption. The following is a piece of my journal entry on February 13, 2013 (to give you a timeline-this is before we actually filed the paperwork to apply for an adoption with our agency):
~
"Was My arm too short to ransom you? Do I lack the strength to rescue you?" ~ Isaiah 50:2b
Today is an exciting day. After months of praying and planning, it is time begin our adoption! The hubs and I had a long talk last night. After a pause in the conversation, he looked me square in the eye and said, "Let's do it." I will never forget that face. In his eyes were excitement, hope, fear, faith and love. It was the same face that told me he loved me for the first time so many years ago. Oh, how I love this man! I scooted close to him and smiled, "It looks like you're going to be a daddy again."
Today I am full of so many different emotions. I am so excited to have another sweetie in our family! I am nervous about what is ahead of us, the emotions, the paperwork and the money. I know that God already knows how the finances will work out, and I find peace in that, but in my humanness, I look around and wonder, "Where in the world is this money going to come from?!" In these moments, I remember several weeks ago, folding laundry on the bed, singing praise songs, and finally overwhelmed at the seemingly impossible road before us, kneeling beside the bed and hearing His familiar whisper, "Beloved, I have made a way."
I am scared to take the first step down this path, but faith isn't easy. I constantly think of Joshua telling the Israelites to cross the Jordan River. The river didn't stop flowing until the priests' feet touched the water's edge.
It is likely that God will not show us the path until we are stepping in. If He brings us to the water's edge a thousand times, I will count it all joy to watch His miracles unfold before my eyes each time.
~
I still think back to this story frequently. God didn't stop the river until their feet were wet. God hasn't laid out the entirety of His plan for our adoption, or the rest of our lives. But He has told us the next step each time we need to move. And as each step comes, He makes a way.
God has been so faithful during this journey that I simply can't keep it to myself. I need to tell of the things He has done. His heart has always been that people would turn to Him, and if this little example of His goodness and faithfulness can encourage someone in any way, it needs to be told.
As you can see by the little thermometer on the right side of the page, the average international adoption costs around $30,000. Fortunately, most of these payments are divided up over the entire process. As each step comes, so does each payment. It is a small price to pay for the ransom of a life, if you think about it. Jesus gave everything. His very life. And we too, are willing to give it all for this little boy.
The Father has poured out His blessings on us. He has literally performed miracles. Several months ago, we had a payment due. $1625. I went to get the mail one day and I opened an envelope to find a check for $1,000. The little note said that God had laid us and this amount on her heart. I didn't think I was going to be able to walk the rest of the way up the driveway. I stood very still for a long time, wiping the tears from my face.
A few days later, the hubs had an unusual task come up at work- a job that another worker is typically paid for each time this job is done (think similar to commission for each job instead of a salary paycheck). Because the hubs was the only one available at the time to do the job, he was paid this extra amount. Anyone want to guess how much the check was for? Yep. $625.
Just two weeks ago we had two payments due. One we expected, another that we thought was still another month away. We started adding up what we could find- a jar that we have been putting cash in as we have it, checks from friends and family that we needed to deposit, etc. I sat in the chair and recounted and recounted. God provided down to the dime (with even $10 to store up for the next payment!). That little money jar has become our widow's oil. When we need it, the money is somehow in that jar.
I still have to wipe away tears when I think about the people who blessed us over Christmas. Not one, not two, but THREE people slipped money into our hands and said, "I chose to forgo a Christmas present. Bringing your son home is worth more to me than a gift under the tree."
To look into their faces and see Jesus in their eyes, pouring out His love through them, is indescribable. It moves my soul like I have never experienced.
And right now, we stand at the edge of the Jordan again. We know that with Little Man's referral comes added payments, plane tickets and in-country expenses. We are expecting to need approximately $6,000 by our first trip, probably in March. I have to admit, the first few times I stood at the edge of this river, I shook with fear. But now, it is quickly becoming one of my favorite places to be.
I know over my life, I have prayed, "God, why didn't I get to be there to see the Red Sea part? I want to see the blind healed and the lame leap for joy. Don't you move like that anymore?"
And now I see. I am the blind man who now sees the enormity of my God as I stand firm in the dry sand of the river.
I am the woman pouring the unending oil from my little jar in faith as the Father opens the floodgates of heaven.
It is overwhelming, y'all. I pray that each of you get to see Him from this angle. I pray that your faith far surpasses my own.
It's time again. I can almost hear His whisper in the wind, "It's time to move again, Beloved. I am about to place your son in your arms." I can feel the coolness of the water lap against my toes as my family holds hands and we begin to wade into the water.
We are about to watch the Father move.
And there's no place I'd rather be.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I typed out the above post around noon today. When my husband came home from work a few hours later, he was grinning. He told me he had some news for me. Our insurance company is giving us a check for a little over $4,000.
$4,000!
How do I even find the words to start commenting on this?! We have been in communication with them for a few months about this check. We received it, but didn't have a clue as to why. When we called to make sure it was legitimate, they said they would have to look into it, but it was probably unlikely that it would work out for us to keep it. (Of course there are many details to this story, but they don't seem very important right now.) I tried to not think about it because I didn't want to get my hopes up in what seemed to be an impossibility.
I don't even have a clear thought process at this point to describe how amazed I am right now.
"Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in My house. 'Test Me in this,' says the LORD ALMIGHTY, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour our so much blessing that you will not have enough room for it." ~ Malachi 3:10
He sees us. He cares. He is faithful. He is good. And He loves my little boy even more than I do.
Many of you know we were originally planning to go the traditional route, which means we would wait for the country to select a relatively healthy child for us. But back in August, God showed us the face of a little boy on the waiting child list, which is a list of children who are older or have special needs and are more unlikely to be adopted. We knew instantly that he was the child God had planned for our family and we committed to him that week! So since we are already committed to a child, when our dossier gets to this big meeting in a few weeks, they will match us to him officially. This is called the "referral." We get more papers and declare, "YES we WANT him!" Then we get to travel to meet him for the first time!
To give you perspective on what our timeline would have been had we not committed to Little Man and we had gone the traditional route, families (waiting for mostly young, healthy kiddos) whose dossiers were submitted in 2010 and 2011 are just now receiving referrals!
It has been such a JOY to see how God has been so intimately involved in this entire process. He has grown us beyond what we thought was possible. One of the very tangible ways He has proven His faithfulness has been in the finances. I want to write out this post so you can share in our JOY at the great things He has done! (But be prepared, it's long.) :)
First, I want to show you a story that God used a year ago to prepare me for what was coming in this adoption. I was reading through Joshua when one detail stopped me in my tracks, one detail that I don't think I had ever paid attention to before.
So here is the setting: Moses had just died and God called Joshua to lead the Israelites into the Promised Land. The spies had gone into the land and Rahab hid them. The spies made their way back to the camp and told Joshua about their adventure. God told Joshua it was time to move- they were to cross the Jordan and soon march around the walls of Jericho.
~
Joshua 3:5-17
Joshua told the people, "Consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do amazing things among you."
Joshua said to the priests, "Take up the ark of the covenant and pass on ahead of the people." So they took it up and went ahead of them.
And the Lord said to Joshua, "Today I will begin to exalt you in the eyes of all Israel, so they may know that I am with you as I was with Moses. Tell the priests who carry the ark of the covenant: 'When you reach the edge of the Jordan's waters, go and stand in the river'."
Joshua said to the Israelites, "Come here and listen to the words of the Lord your God. This is how you will know that the living God is among you and that He will certainly drive out before you the Canaanites, the Hittites, Perizzites, Girgashites, Amorites and Jebusites. See, the ark of the covenant of the Lord all the earth will go into the Jordan ahead of you. Now then, chose twelve men from the tribes of Israel, one from each tribe. And as soon as the priests who carry the ark of the Lord- the Lord of all the earth-set foot in the Jordan, its waters flowing downstream will be cut off and stand up in a heap."
So when the people broke camp to cross the Jordan, the priests carrying the ark of the covenant went ahead of them. Now the Jordan is at flood stage all during harvest. Yet as soon as the priests who carried the ark reached the Jordan and their feet touched the water's edge, the water from upstream stopped flowing. It piled up in a heap a great distance away, at a town called Adam in the vicinity of Zarethan, while the water flowing down to the Sea of the Arabah (the Salt Sea) was completely cut off. So the people crossed over opposite Jericho. The priests who carried the ark of the covenant of the Lord stood firm on dry ground in the middle of the Jordan, while all Israel passed by until the whole nation had completed crossing on dry ground."
~
Ok, so now you've got the idea of what God had put in my heart right as He was calling us to follow His lead and apply for this adoption. The following is a piece of my journal entry on February 13, 2013 (to give you a timeline-this is before we actually filed the paperwork to apply for an adoption with our agency):
~
"Was My arm too short to ransom you? Do I lack the strength to rescue you?" ~ Isaiah 50:2b
Today is an exciting day. After months of praying and planning, it is time begin our adoption! The hubs and I had a long talk last night. After a pause in the conversation, he looked me square in the eye and said, "Let's do it." I will never forget that face. In his eyes were excitement, hope, fear, faith and love. It was the same face that told me he loved me for the first time so many years ago. Oh, how I love this man! I scooted close to him and smiled, "It looks like you're going to be a daddy again."
Today I am full of so many different emotions. I am so excited to have another sweetie in our family! I am nervous about what is ahead of us, the emotions, the paperwork and the money. I know that God already knows how the finances will work out, and I find peace in that, but in my humanness, I look around and wonder, "Where in the world is this money going to come from?!" In these moments, I remember several weeks ago, folding laundry on the bed, singing praise songs, and finally overwhelmed at the seemingly impossible road before us, kneeling beside the bed and hearing His familiar whisper, "Beloved, I have made a way."
I am scared to take the first step down this path, but faith isn't easy. I constantly think of Joshua telling the Israelites to cross the Jordan River. The river didn't stop flowing until the priests' feet touched the water's edge.
It is likely that God will not show us the path until we are stepping in. If He brings us to the water's edge a thousand times, I will count it all joy to watch His miracles unfold before my eyes each time.
~
I still think back to this story frequently. God didn't stop the river until their feet were wet. God hasn't laid out the entirety of His plan for our adoption, or the rest of our lives. But He has told us the next step each time we need to move. And as each step comes, He makes a way.
God has been so faithful during this journey that I simply can't keep it to myself. I need to tell of the things He has done. His heart has always been that people would turn to Him, and if this little example of His goodness and faithfulness can encourage someone in any way, it needs to be told.
As you can see by the little thermometer on the right side of the page, the average international adoption costs around $30,000. Fortunately, most of these payments are divided up over the entire process. As each step comes, so does each payment. It is a small price to pay for the ransom of a life, if you think about it. Jesus gave everything. His very life. And we too, are willing to give it all for this little boy.
The Father has poured out His blessings on us. He has literally performed miracles. Several months ago, we had a payment due. $1625. I went to get the mail one day and I opened an envelope to find a check for $1,000. The little note said that God had laid us and this amount on her heart. I didn't think I was going to be able to walk the rest of the way up the driveway. I stood very still for a long time, wiping the tears from my face.
A few days later, the hubs had an unusual task come up at work- a job that another worker is typically paid for each time this job is done (think similar to commission for each job instead of a salary paycheck). Because the hubs was the only one available at the time to do the job, he was paid this extra amount. Anyone want to guess how much the check was for? Yep. $625.
Just two weeks ago we had two payments due. One we expected, another that we thought was still another month away. We started adding up what we could find- a jar that we have been putting cash in as we have it, checks from friends and family that we needed to deposit, etc. I sat in the chair and recounted and recounted. God provided down to the dime (with even $10 to store up for the next payment!). That little money jar has become our widow's oil. When we need it, the money is somehow in that jar.
I still have to wipe away tears when I think about the people who blessed us over Christmas. Not one, not two, but THREE people slipped money into our hands and said, "I chose to forgo a Christmas present. Bringing your son home is worth more to me than a gift under the tree."
To look into their faces and see Jesus in their eyes, pouring out His love through them, is indescribable. It moves my soul like I have never experienced.
And right now, we stand at the edge of the Jordan again. We know that with Little Man's referral comes added payments, plane tickets and in-country expenses. We are expecting to need approximately $6,000 by our first trip, probably in March. I have to admit, the first few times I stood at the edge of this river, I shook with fear. But now, it is quickly becoming one of my favorite places to be.
I know over my life, I have prayed, "God, why didn't I get to be there to see the Red Sea part? I want to see the blind healed and the lame leap for joy. Don't you move like that anymore?"
And now I see. I am the blind man who now sees the enormity of my God as I stand firm in the dry sand of the river.
I am the woman pouring the unending oil from my little jar in faith as the Father opens the floodgates of heaven.
It is overwhelming, y'all. I pray that each of you get to see Him from this angle. I pray that your faith far surpasses my own.
It's time again. I can almost hear His whisper in the wind, "It's time to move again, Beloved. I am about to place your son in your arms." I can feel the coolness of the water lap against my toes as my family holds hands and we begin to wade into the water.
We are about to watch the Father move.
And there's no place I'd rather be.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I typed out the above post around noon today. When my husband came home from work a few hours later, he was grinning. He told me he had some news for me. Our insurance company is giving us a check for a little over $4,000.
$4,000!
How do I even find the words to start commenting on this?! We have been in communication with them for a few months about this check. We received it, but didn't have a clue as to why. When we called to make sure it was legitimate, they said they would have to look into it, but it was probably unlikely that it would work out for us to keep it. (Of course there are many details to this story, but they don't seem very important right now.) I tried to not think about it because I didn't want to get my hopes up in what seemed to be an impossibility.
I don't even have a clear thought process at this point to describe how amazed I am right now.
"Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in My house. 'Test Me in this,' says the LORD ALMIGHTY, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour our so much blessing that you will not have enough room for it." ~ Malachi 3:10
He sees us. He cares. He is faithful. He is good. And He loves my little boy even more than I do.
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