Wow! It has certainly been a long time since I last posted. Things have been quite insane around here. In fact, I would probably say this has been the most complicated time of our married lives thus far. We have been challenged with months of me on bed rest, multiple medical complications, severe emotional struggles with Little Man, and significant stress in many other areas. BUT I am so incredibly grateful when I look over and see the man still holding my hand as we have navigated this difficult time together. God certainly knew what we would both need in a spouse when these tidal waves crash. I have said ever since I met him, that the Hubs shows me more of who Jesus is than anyone else. I am grateful for the man he is. Over the last months, God has also taught me the importance of having a foundation in Him, so that when the waves come over your head, repeatedly, you can feel the security of the Rock underneath you, despite your flailing arms and filling lungs.
This pregnancy has not been anything like we had expected, or hoped it to be. I've been on some form of bed rest for the majority of the last 8 months, with more complications than I can remember. When I was first taken off my feet, I thought this would be a great season of reading and writing, two of my favorite things, but instead I have found my mind to be so cloudy, I can barely focus long enough to do either. I'm sure this is a result of pregnancy hormones, the effects of a heart not pumping correctly, and various medications that have kept this Baby inside. I have tried to sit down and update the blog multiple times over the last few months, but nothing seemed to flow.
Little Man has struggled significantly over the last few months. We knew the holiday season would be extremely stressful for him. Last year he wasn't able to calm down from the holidays until about February. This year, we survived the holiday hustle and bustle, only for me to immediately be put on strict bed rest and start needing help with the kids. We had some amazing friends rally around us and help take care of everything, but unfortunately, Little Man just can't handle any change in schedule or people he sees regularly, so he spiraled downhill emotionally and behaviorally fairly quickly. In the past week we have just started to see him eat semi-regularly again. His past trauma and current anxiety touches every aspect of his life so I won't go into all of the details because it is simply too much to list, but we are extremely grateful to finally see some progress after many hard months. We had to reduce his schedule to almost nothing, with very few variables (doctor appointments, visits with friends, church activities, etc.), but it has made a tremendous difference. We have slowly been able to introduce small things again, but are fully prepared to go back to full-blown cocooning after the baby is born.
During this time of difficulties, God has repeatedly brought to mind a specific story. The little I have been able to focus enough to read over the last few months has been significantly centered around Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob and their wives. One very tiny story in these chapters has been enough for me to ponder over several months, and has brought significant peace to my weary soul. You see, this baby wiggling around in my womb is in many ways the fulfillment of a special promise to me. This child has been the answer to very unique prayers that were offered before conception (not simply prayers to have another baby). That positive pregnancy test was confirmation about many things the Lord had been speaking to my heart about.
Genesis 15:
9 So the Lord said to him, “Bring me a heifer, a goat and a ram, each three years old, along with a dove and a young pigeon.”
10 Abram brought all these to him, cut them in two and arranged the halves opposite each other; the birds, however, he did not cut in half. 11 Then birds of prey came down on the carcasses, but Abram drove them away.
12 As the sun was setting, Abram fell into a deep sleep, and a thick and dreadful darkness came over him. 13 Then the Lord said to him, “Know for certain that for four hundred years your descendants will be strangers in a country not their own and that they will be enslaved and mistreated there. 14 But I will punish the nation they serve as slaves, and afterward they will come out with great possessions. 15 You, however, will go to your ancestors in peace and be buried at a good old age. 16 In the fourth generation your descendants will come back here, for the sin of the Amorites has not yet reached its full measure.”
17 When the sun had set and darkness had fallen, a smoking firepot with a blazing torch appeared and passed between the pieces. 18 On that day the Lord made a covenant with Abram...
Basically what has happened is this: God has just promised an heir to Abraham that will come from his own body (not Eliezer of his household as he had previously planned upon not having children). Abraham believes Him and it is "credited to him as righteousness." From here, God requires a covenant, so Abraham gathers up the animals and prepares them. Imagine now what that would have been like. God has made this beautiful and specific promise to Abraham, and now he spends the whole day on cloud nine preparing his act of worship before this mighty Elohim Creator God who as Jehovah also desires this deep, fulfilling personal relationship with him. So Abraham is thrilled with this promise of a positive pregnancy test, if you will. He sets up the sacrifice in a way that symbolizes a serious covenant. Many times in those days, if men were to enter into a solemn agreement with one another, animals would be cut in half and separated. The men would then walk through the carcasses in agreement- the halved bodies a solemn reminder of the seriousness of breaking this covenant. Abraham waits to for God to appear, but he suddenly falls into "a deep sleep, and a thick and dreadful darkness came over him." He is to some degree unconscious or at the very least not himself, and now trapped in horrific darkness, only to be told devastating news by Yahweh. These very descendants he has been promised will suffer a terrible fate- 400 years of slavery in a foreign country. The only silver lining is that they will return to this land of inheritance and with many possessions.
Now after hearing this dreadful news, a smoking firepot with a blazing torch, signifying God's holiness, righteousness, and judgment, appear and pass between the carcasses. Abraham is just a witness to this event. Instead of partaking in this covenant, God "signed on the dotted line" alone. He proves to Abraham in this moment that he is not needed to fulfill God's promise. The Father is His own oath. What an amazing realization! We see here God's ultimate power in mastering the present and the future. We humans are simply not needed to fulfill anything He has promised to accomplish. In seeing this, just as Abraham did, we realize that He alone is worthy of all the praise due His Name.
Throughout this pregnancy, the Father has brought this story to mind many, many times. Each time we have come close to losing the baby, or delivering significantly early, even in the stress, there has been the quiet whisper in my heart that everything will be ok, regardless of what happens in this pregnancy, birth, and life of this child. Not because of anything that I or my doctor can do, but because He. is. God. This is not to say that He promises that this baby is guaranteed anything, but rather that HE will always have ALL the power. In life. In death. In slavery. In freedom.
Today is a rather significant day in Jewish and Christian faith. I do realize that Passover is technically next month due to the lunar calendar, but you try explaining how that can be so out of order in the Holy Week to two 4 year olds. ;) So tonight, our little family will sit down around the table and celebrate this special occasion. Now, we have never experienced Passover with anyone outside of these walls, so it will probably be a puny attempt in comparison to those who have years of tradition under their belts. We are just hoping that the lamb is edible this year. ;)
I have to admit, that when we attempted this last year for the first time, it was probably my favorite holiday of the year. There is something incredibly holy about reflecting on the first Passover (when the angel of death passed over the Israelites in Egypt), God's faithfulness over all the generations, and then the solemn realization of the depth of Christ's last meal before He endured the next day. I think many times as Christians, we focus so much on the fact that "Sunday is coming" (and hallelujah that the resurrection came!), that we downplay the significance of this horrific night and following day. As Christ tasted the bitter herbs at Passover reminding everyone of the bitterness of slavery in Egypt, His soul must have groaned at the bitterness He would soon partake of. We see the unleavened bread and remember the haste of the Israelites packing to leave their captivity, but as He broke it for His disciples, I wonder if he flinched in anticipation of the whip against His holy back.
This year, I also think of this story of Abraham and how it correlates to Passover and the crucifixion. It is very similar, instead this time, it is Christ's broken body that is the covenant. As Abraham observed the carcasses on the ground, we survey the torn flesh of our Savior- His body broken for us. And just like Abraham, we are mere witnesses. The covenant is signed only by God. Nothing Abraham did solidified his promised inheritance, just as we are unable to secure our heavenly inheritance in and of ourselves. It is only through the covenant of Jesus that it is guaranteed.
I enjoy pondering Abraham's experience during this pregnancy, as it reminds me of God's faithfulness. But I am in complete awe when I survey a covenant that is completely one-sided, and one that is so secure that it holds the eternal fate of my soul.
Holy Week is vital. We cannot celebrate the glory of Resurrection Sunday without kneeling in the pit of the brokenness that led to it. May we taste the bitterness of the bloody sacrifice required on our behalf before we look to the glory of Sunday morning.
But hallelujah.
Sunday IS coming!
