Peace

Whew! This month has been a roller coaster for us.  We have had some very exciting adoption moments where we clearly saw God move and we have also had some discouragement.  People don't always have the kindest things to say to us about adoption and the process itself isn't always easy.  We held our breath as we prayed relentlessly that the Father would match us with our child in this short window of time (see previous posts).  I got the email from our social worker about a week ago.  They couldn't find a child currently on the waiting list that would be a match for our family.  Then today, adoptive families in our program were informed that the protests against the government are causing some delays in adoptions.   Fortunately, none of the families we are connected to will be affected because they are already at a certain point in their processes.  (Basically, families whose dossiers are in country and waiting for a referral are stuck because few to no meetings are able to take place with all of the unrest.)  While we aren't at that point in the process yet, we are rapidly approaching it.  I have no idea what this will mean for us in the next few months as our dossier is submitted.

I certainly don't mean to complain, but I do think it is only fair to explain all aspects of this journey.  It is not all sunshine and roses and painting the nursery.  As much as we know our Perfect Father is still intimately involved on this journey with us, it does not guarantee that the journey will be easy.  There have been many tears shed this month.  The ache in my arms to scoop up our child grows with intensity every day.  To put it in perspective, a pregnancy typically lasts 9 months.  If you look at the time we decided to grow our family, my "due date" is now.  But instead, our timeline is still measured in YEARS.

Despite the discouragement, we are thankful to serve a SOVEREIGN Lord.  When He spoke to us almost a year ago, He already knew how my heart would shatter with that disappointing email.  He already knew what today would look like.  He already knows when we will have a match and when we will bring our kiddo home. 

Today has been a day of quiet reflection on what I want my heart to be.  The groaning in my chest is just a reminder of who I have prayed to become.  While we are stretching to the point of breaking, we remember this is how He molds us into who He is calling us to be.   I have been replaying favorite worship songs to remind me of those prayers and to remind me that this process doesn't just provide a home for our child, but it GROWS me too. 

"I want to live with abandon.  Give You all that I am. Every part of my heart, Jesus, I place in Your hands." 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-SJR2vdJFXw

"Am I proof that You are who you say You are?  That grace can really change our heart? Do I live like Your love is true? People pass And even if they don't know my name Is there evidence that I've been changed? When they see me, do they see You?
I want to live like that And give it all I have So that everything I say and do Points to You.
If love is who I am Then this is where I'll stand Recklessly abandoned Never holding back.
I want to live like that"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GfosSggwQS0

"I'm giving You fear and You give faith.  I'm giving You doubt and You give me grace.  For every step I've never been alone.  Even when it hurts You'll have your way.  Even in the valley I will say, with every breath, You've never let me go.   I will wait for You.  You've NEVER failed before.  I will wait for You. 
If there's a road I should walk, help me find it.  If I need to be still, give me peace for the moment.  WHATEVER Your will.  Whatever Your will.  Can You help me find it?"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CsjZ94K7UQs

So today, I pray for peace. 
Peace for the people of our child's country.
Peace for my husband, that he would have rest in this journey.
And I pray for peace for this mama's heart, even in its most unsteady moments. 
Peace, Lord Jesus, Peace.