While I typically use this blog to write out the things God is teaching us through life as adoptive parents, it seems that He has new lessons for us to learn and it feels appropriate to share some of that here.
When we began talking and praying about growing our family several months ago, we agreed that while we would love to have a new baby to love on, we were content (and plenty busy!) with the two He had already given to us. Another child would simply be an added joy to our family, so we prayed sincerely that God would only allow what He saw best. We were thrilled when we saw that He indeed gave us the desire of our hearts and a new little was coming our way.
The pregnancy progressed as well as can be expected. There was more morning sickness and exhaustion than I experienced with Baby Girl, but I counted it as a blessing for the reminder of the little life growing inside of me, because let's be honest, when this is child #3, you're doing good to remember at some point during the day that you're pregnant while being distracted by the other two kids! Not at all like the constant awareness of a first child. ;)
We told the kids, friends, and family our good news at Baby Girl's birthday party. I was happy that we had managed to keep the secret so well, judging by the complete shock of everyone there! Unfortunately, the next night, joy quickly turned to fear.
As I pulled onto the street driving to the ER that night, a familiar song came onto the radio. - -
When I was a young teenager, I started having frequent and severe migraines behind my eye. To rule out more serious problems, my doctor scheduled an MRI. I was extremely nervous as the test started, and you have to remain completely still- impossible to do when you are trembling from nerves (and cold! Why is it so cold in there?!) They had given me headphones, and just as the test started a song by MercyMe came on:
"Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see
Your majesty
To be still and know
That You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest
In Your holiness
Word of God speak"
The trembling stopped and I was able to be still for the rest of the MRI. I should not have been surprised that God would use that same song on this night to calm my fear, knowing it would instantly remind me of His faithfulness and nearness over all of these years. I drove the rest of the way in complete peace, knowing that regardless of what happened, He will never leave my side. A visit to the ER and a doctor's appointment the next day showed that our little baby was strong and healthy, but that the placenta had started to tear away and I was bleeding between the placenta and wall of the uterus.
A week and a half of bed rest has proved to at least stop the tear from progressing, but it is still there. The big, bold words "Threatened Pregnancy" still at the top of my chart. For now, I am still on bed rest, hoping the tear will heal itself. There are a host of risks related to this, most notably, death of the baby and hemorrhaging for me, not an easy thing to think about when I'm already so far along- the baby the size of my palm. Each time I feel the pain start again or see the stark reminder of how quickly things could change, I have to throw myself into the arms of this Father. He loves me. He loves my family. And He loves this baby. Baby Girl and Little Man have memorized Psalm 139:14 "I am fearfully and wonderfully made." They recite it sometimes throughout the day, a reminder to their little hearts that God has always known them-- and a loud reminder to me that this baby is also formed under the fingerprints of this same God.
After my appointment with my OB where she told me what was happening, I drove home praying that He would remind me that He is GOOD. I know that He may choose to take this child from my womb. But I know that even in the darkest days, in the deepest grief, He is good. He hasn't changed. He never will. There is no way I could read this blog, the story of our lives, and come to any other conclusion.
He reminded me of that same chapter Baby Girl and Little Man love to quote:
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
I smiled at the reminder that only He can knit together in the secret place. He knows the number of days this baby will kick and wriggle, and I will rejoice over every single one. Even with the reminder of Elohim the strong Creator God, I asked again that He would remind me that no matter what, He is good. For surely, if this baby was ripped from me before ever being cradled in my arms, I would be tempted to doubt His goodness.
And literally that moment another song came on the radio. Only I didn't know this one. Go ahead and listen to what I heard (or what I think is a better version of it anyway): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NjEYtaD-Ywg
I sobbed for the rest of the drive. Not for fear, but at the overwhelming reality of His nearness. His listening to my desperate pleas. His love. His goodness.
That You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest
In Your holiness
Word of God speak"
The trembling stopped and I was able to be still for the rest of the MRI. I should not have been surprised that God would use that same song on this night to calm my fear, knowing it would instantly remind me of His faithfulness and nearness over all of these years. I drove the rest of the way in complete peace, knowing that regardless of what happened, He will never leave my side. A visit to the ER and a doctor's appointment the next day showed that our little baby was strong and healthy, but that the placenta had started to tear away and I was bleeding between the placenta and wall of the uterus.
A week and a half of bed rest has proved to at least stop the tear from progressing, but it is still there. The big, bold words "Threatened Pregnancy" still at the top of my chart. For now, I am still on bed rest, hoping the tear will heal itself. There are a host of risks related to this, most notably, death of the baby and hemorrhaging for me, not an easy thing to think about when I'm already so far along- the baby the size of my palm. Each time I feel the pain start again or see the stark reminder of how quickly things could change, I have to throw myself into the arms of this Father. He loves me. He loves my family. And He loves this baby. Baby Girl and Little Man have memorized Psalm 139:14 "I am fearfully and wonderfully made." They recite it sometimes throughout the day, a reminder to their little hearts that God has always known them-- and a loud reminder to me that this baby is also formed under the fingerprints of this same God.
After my appointment with my OB where she told me what was happening, I drove home praying that He would remind me that He is GOOD. I know that He may choose to take this child from my womb. But I know that even in the darkest days, in the deepest grief, He is good. He hasn't changed. He never will. There is no way I could read this blog, the story of our lives, and come to any other conclusion.
He reminded me of that same chapter Baby Girl and Little Man love to quote:
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
I smiled at the reminder that only He can knit together in the secret place. He knows the number of days this baby will kick and wriggle, and I will rejoice over every single one. Even with the reminder of Elohim the strong Creator God, I asked again that He would remind me that no matter what, He is good. For surely, if this baby was ripped from me before ever being cradled in my arms, I would be tempted to doubt His goodness.
And literally that moment another song came on the radio. Only I didn't know this one. Go ahead and listen to what I heard (or what I think is a better version of it anyway): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NjEYtaD-Ywg
I sobbed for the rest of the drive. Not for fear, but at the overwhelming reality of His nearness. His listening to my desperate pleas. His love. His goodness.
